Here are more pictures of our children beneficiaries up the mountain. Ain't no mountain high enough ika-nga. Taken by instamatic pentax. Pangit kumuha pero maganda ang mga kinukunan.

*****
When I read my horoscope in the afternoon yesterday, it was eerily true. Nope, nothing psychological influence by patterning events to fit the horoscope. Nothing like that. It was stated quite straightforwardly. Must be the moon.


*****
Encounter with a kid after I went underwear berserk in NCCC Mall yesterday.

*kid plays with that thing that glues the plastic together"
Me: (in Bisaya) Huwag. Baka maipit ka.
Kid: (looks at me intently then blurts...) Girl ka?
Me: (figuring it must be the short hair, tempted to say, "hindi bakla ako, but this is a young kid so I say) Oo. Ikaw, girl o boy?
Kid: Boy.
Me: Ilang taon ka na?
Kid: Four
Me: Pumapasok ka na sa school?
Kid: Di pa. Birthday ko next year.
Me: Di five ka na.
Kid: Oo.

I had to leave already since my turn was done.

Me: Bye.
Kid: Babay.

Wala lang. I love kids. Sa mga panahong ito, tumatalon ang matris ko kapag nakakakita ng bata. Kapag iniisip ko ang gatas, tuition at ang sakit ng ulo na baka maging katulad ko ang bata, umuurong bigla.

Yun lang.

Apo Sandawa and yesterday's sunset as I was on my way home.


*****

Halloween is coming up. It was something I have always enjoyed when I was younger. Since we didn't have any dead relatives in Pampanga, most of what we did during All Saint's was light a candle by our porch. And since we were in Pampanga, in a village full of expats, there were real Halloween parties. I always loved Candy Corn. Yum-yum!

Anyway, ever since high school and until now, I have always wanted to dress up for Halloween. My dream costume, anything that would go well with a gray hooded cape. I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED A GRAY HOODED CAPE! Must be all the fantasy stories I read ever since I was a kid. Someday, I will get myself a black hooded cape and wear it everywhere as if everyday was Halloween. Yes, despite the heat.

And that is my halloween fantasy.

fooling around with my camera around our garden. more pics here May naligaw nga lang na isa.

THE OTHER SIDE OF GROWING UP

Despite the many resolutions a person tries to make, just to ensure that she lives her life for sanity’s sake, for society’s sake, for someone else’s sake, for God’s sake, for his own sake… there are many times he fails to live by it. The funny thing is, he knows he isn’t exactly doing the right thing but then it isn’t really the wrong thing either.

Just recently, I realized that is what adults become. For children, things are black and white. This is wrong. That is right. No gray areas. Anyone who does wrong ends up being devil pin cushions in hell. Anyone who does right will sing hallelujah with the angels up in heaven. Then one grows up, encounters Philosophy and Theology and boys/girls and booze, sex, cigs and such. One grows up and discovers there is an Absolute truth with so many million paths leading to it, making the Absolute all blurry and misty. The black and white meld and become gray. Growing up grays things.

Moments in one’s life come where the flesh becomes weak despite the spirit’s struggle for self-actualization and other Maslow crap. Food, sex and thrills, stuff like that. It’s tough when you face the mirror one morning and realize, “fuck, I’m human.” One day, you wake up and feel that nothing much has happened from the sacrifices you have made through the years based on what your conservative parents, your self-righteous high school religion teachers and the all-too pious cathechist in your old parish tell you. People are successful, beautiful and rich despite living with wanton abandon and recklessness. And you… you have an empty pocket, uneven skin tone and thin wallets even after all the effort to be the person all those people of your youth wanted you to be.

You realize that time does actually go forward, that the years put a mark on your face but nothing much in your wallet or resume, that not a lot of things are happening with your life while a lot seems to with others, that you were not the picture the young you painted ten years ago and is nowhere near it at all. And so you make another resolution to take carpe diem to another level. Sucking out the marrows of life and even lick the bone after (no green thoughts please).

Three days ago, I thought I should hold my chin up and go. Two days after, I woke up realizing, “hell, what we have is fun. I won’t deprive myself the little joys that hot showers and foot scrubs can’t replace. I think I deserve that once in a while. Before I cry, I’ll have my fun.” And so I go on with it evil as it may seem to others. (Again, nothing green.)

Placebo works wonders despite being illusory.

But then one day, I hope to wake up again and face the mirror realizing, ‘damn, I’m human. I could transcend all this.’

The problem with getting a high tech gadget is, you have to buy other things for it. I just bought rechargable batteries which cost something like a total of 1,200. Then I will be buying the 128 SD memory card eventually (december maybe). Then someday I want to get the camera printer/dock. Hmph.

By the way, i named my camera TASHA.

I wanted to name it Kaulayaw before. Pero I already named my lion that. Then I thought of K, short for Kodak and Kaulayaw. Pero it reminds me of videoke. Then the first name that came to mind while thinking of other names was TASHA. So tasha it is. :)

FOR KUYA NONOY

Maaring pait ang nakatatak sa aking mukha
sa aking mga huling sandali.
Ngunit hindi ito sapat para mabura ang
nakaukit na mga mukha
Ng mga Lumad na napawi ang uhaw
sa bawat patak ng tubig na alay ni Inang Kalikasan.
Ng mga bata na may ngiti sa labi
sa unang pagkakataong makahawak ng papel at lapis.
Ng mga kaibigan na napahalakhal sa pilyong biro
at nabusog ng libreng tanghalian.
Sa aking pag-uwi sa Kanyang piling,
ipagdiwang natin ang buhay na makabuluhan.

Kuya Nonoy was part of Tabang Mindanaw, hiking mountains and crossing rivers to reach Lumad communities. His work together with the other members of the roving team has installed more than 100 water systems in these rural communities all over Mindanao. Lumads need not hike kilometers anymore just to get their clean water. Imagine how many people have benefitted from his hard work. This man deserves to be lauded as a hero. He was a big loss not just to tabang mindanao, but to the Lumad communities as well.

Sarap magpaka-senti.

Bulyawan ka ba naman ng version ni Annie Lennox ng "I Don't Want to Wait in Vain." Sino ang hindi mase-senti. Gusto ko tuloy sumigaw sa gitna ng restaurant habang ngumunguya ng Thai Super Bowl (aka tocinong hiniwa at tinaggal ang kulay pula) ng "Korek! Mero makit ngko nginagawa?" *ngasab, ngasab*

Hindi ko ginawa. Pero patuloy ang pag-ngasab. (Siyempre. Kahit sosyal na tosino lang iyon, charap, e.). May konting smile sa lips, natatawa sa kahibangang naiisip. Iiling, tapos titingin sa langit (actually sa kisame na kulang sa ilaw, para ambience daw ba), "why, God, why?" (Ngi. Naalala ko iyong classmate ko sa english na nabansangan naming bug na nakikipagkantahan sa isa pa naming classmate na nabansagan naming attila the hun. Dyosko. Nasusunog na siguro kaluluwa ko.)

Why, God, why? Gimme boypren plis. Parang, pahingi ng pinya. Parang pabili ng bagoong. Ganun lang ba kadali? May gagawin ba ako sa boypren? "I will hug him and kiss him and call him George." Some other name na lang, di ko trip ang George. Dyords pa, puwede. Masaya.

Naku. Di na ako senti. Hibang na ako. Dito naman sa internet cafe tumutugtog ang IRIS. Tama ba iyan? Ingudngod ba sa akin ang mga kantang eklavu na ganyan? Tigilan, puwede?

Pero well... sabi ko nga, minsan, masaya maging malungkot. Para emote lang. Thanks Gods I'm alive, di ba? When you feel, you live. Charot at charing na lang kung agree ka.

Ever. Wala lang. Emote lang. Padayon. Whateyver.

Blank mind right now. Despite the many things happening now. Except every night before I sleep, I keep thinking of Kuya Nonoy and how unfair it can be that such a good man could die with pain written all over his face. Have not taken a look at his casket. I hope to remember him happy, but maybe it would still be best to look. Tonight, I think I can gather enough courage to. I was actually thinking I might see my friends before I go to CDO tomorrow, so laughter and craziness can wipe away the image of what I will see. But people are busy. So I will drown it out with Zoolander or something equally ridiculously funny.

a picture i took during the wow mindanao expo in the sm grounds here in davao city. i really like it, dunno why. 

AIRBORNE THOUGHTS

Snippet 1:

COFFEE
Heavy-tinted shades covered eyes which lacked sleep. It occasionally stung, too. A reminder of last night's tears that started with a quiet, steady flow eventually building up to violent sobs that almost choked her. Though she didn't want to cry, the results were welcome as the tears melted the heavy lump has been hiding in one of the many nooks of her heart. Long ignored, the lump made its presence known the moment he mentioned the name of that girl during their phone conversation.

Her uneven breathing and intense cries subsided to embarrassing sniffles, with the snot thick her nose and throat. The helplessness on the other line invaded the dead air. How she wished she could stop, but the pain would be doubly worse if she kept it all in.

Eventually, she whispered her apologies, all the time knowing he had forgiven her a long time ago. He mumbled inaudibly, clearly uncomfortable with the anguish he heard. The conversation eased to inanities. Muffled laughter seemingly burying the previous discussion, yet her sentences were always punctuated with a deep sigh.

Outside the plane window, the dark clouds that warned of rain were replaced by a warm shade of sky blue. She stirred her coffee that lost its warmth. Oil from the whipped cream swirled and formed shapes she imagined to be a view of the beach.

"If you were tea and I drank you all up, would you give me a good fortune? But you are not tea." An amused smile crept to her lips, masking another lump beginning to form in the same nook where the last one was. The passenger right beside her would have not known if she bothered to look.

Snippet 2:
TURBULENCE
Some of the passengers were paranoid with the turbulence. It has been going on for fifteen minutes already. He could feel his seatmate stiffen at every time the plane jerked. He was unaffected by their fear as he could feel a more violent shaking inside him.

"This plane,"he thought to himself, "would not crash. Days ago, my heart already did. At least, the turbulence distracts me from thoughts of that night."

*

I skipped the trip to Cotabato tomorrow. The emotional and physical pain of the last two weeks just came in now, with last night as the culmination. I need to rest.
*



Our first family dinner in years. Taken by kodakski (my new friend, CX 7330). :)

COMING TO TERMS WITH ONE'S MORTALITY

This morning I received a text that Kuya Nonoy, one of our roving staff in Tabang Mindanaw, died in a vehicular accident in Cagayan de Oro. He was riding a taxi from the Agora terminal to the Bulua terminal. Kuya Nonoy was the one who was with me during the grueling walk and horseback ride in the Glan/Davao del Sur border. He is one of our water system engineers.

I really didn't know how to take it. No emotion came initially. Then I thought, I basically have the same job description as he does. Bit by bit, I was being hit. I spent time with this man. We rode in buses together for several times. Jokes and meals have been shared. I've met his wife and his turning-two son who has Down's Syndrome. I knew him to be strong and healthy. And today he is dead in a car accident, doing his job.

Honestly, it weakens my courage. The past year that I have been with ADF, bit by bit, I have lost the reckless courage I used to have. Whenever I ride a motorcycle up a mountain, I feel I am putting my life at the hands of the driver. Ever since that near-accident at 2 AM on the way to Tandag, every jerky movement of the bus makes me think if it's a regular bump or are we in danger already. Yet in the end, I do leave it all to Him. I pray to Him, I pray to my guardian angel and take comfort that they will be there with me, guiding the driver, guiding me. Yet if it is time, it's time. I hate the fear I am feeling. Before, I didn't have that. Shucks. My courage is waning, but I will still go to those bus rides, and taxi rides. Doing anything else at this point, knowing who I am and what I have become in ADF, would be a mistake.

Please pray for Kuya Nonoy Aringa. And for all those NGO workers with the grassroots, risking their life to help people live better lives.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME!

I'm celebrating it with a headache and tummy ache. Wala kasi ako sa Davao. I miss my peaceful doing no-shit work at the office. But being busy is also an interesting concept. Nyahahaha!

I am a hybrid of: Progressive Girl Indie Girl Click on the pictures below to read more: Take the 'What Kind of Girl Are You?' quiz at CookingToHookup.com

Tomorrow would be my first year anniversary with Assisi Development Foundation. That would also mean I would be a Davaoeña for a year too. Except I am here in Manila to commemorate that. Wow. One year. And in that one year, the mileage I have covered in traveling would be probably more than most people get in a lifetime.

Funny thing is I love the date October 13. For strange reasons, both personal and occult.

Anyway, I have not been showing myself to people because this is the first time my family will be together in years. We are scattered all over the archipelago with my bro in Manila, my sis and her family in Cebu, my mom in Davao and myself all over the place. It is always stressful when we are all together. I swear. But nonetheless, it is always nice to be complete. Dad must be floating around mom for all I know.

Been pondering on the idea why some people refuse to take Pinoy crap but would swallow Hollywood crap. Have good ideas, will post it soon.

Star Circle Quest is back. I love the show because I love Boy and have a crush on Lauren Dyogi. Still baffled at the thought why Gloria Diaz is in the panel. Anyway... I am always amazed by the number of delusional people thinking they can become stars. And I am not talking about face value. JOLOGS AKO!

Had my first taste of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy last night. Hehehe! I loved it.

Heard there was a show called OUT in channel 7 where homosexuals come out on national TV thereby shocking their families into submission because... well, they are on national TV. I am not for this show though I have not seen an episode. The concept itself feels iffy, both for the homosexual and his family and the entire nation as well. Like a gay friend said, the show undermine the process that a gay person goes through of accepting his own identity crisis. Second, it is unfair to put his or her family on the spot. How else could one react on national TV? They are not given the chance to process their own feelings about their son or daughter's homosexuality. Things like that are not that easy to take in especially in Philippine society. My own take is the show may give impressionable young people the idea that being gay is cool. And yes, many gay people are cool. But their coolness does not come from being gay. It comes from their accepting they are gay, living with that idea, living with a society that may not be as accepting as it seems. I am afraid that more people are choosing to be gay because it projects cool, fun and hip. Yet there is more to it than that seeing it from the experience of my own gay friends. They feel they experience more emotional hardship and pain that regular people. So... yun. Hope the show rethinks its concept.

HAVE NEW TOY! Introducing the Kodak CX7330. Yesh.

Forgive me if I may sound incomprehensible. It is one in the morning and i have a flight in twelve hours. There are still several errands to run, including the need to purchase durian for my old boss in advertising who is actually one of our family friends, too. Problem is I'm not very good with identifying what kind would be good. Hah. A quest. Errands have been behind schedule due to an unforseen circumstance of animal sitting at the Philippine Eagle Foundation booth in the WOW Mindanao expo. I know I love animals. But I never realized how much. Especially since I have not been giving loving attention to the dogs at home. Anyway, I spent more than two hours lugging around a 6 feet 5 kilo reticulated female python named Zap, entertaining visitors to the PEF dome. The other hours were divided with the owl, the honeybuzzard and the itty-bitty sawa.

So I am behind errands. My fault. The wild child in me has been bitten by the animal bug (ahehehe! pun. uh).

Hay. The things I do for a bit of pleasure. Nyahaha! Hopefully, tatit sends me the picture as proof of this afternoon.

By the way, have sore eyes. Bwahahahargh.

PAGOD AKO. Hello, may nagbago ba sa akin after a trip?
But I do like Midsalip, Zamboanga del Sur. It reminds me of Mindoro and Bukidnon combined. So it makes the place special. Will be going back sometime in Feb for five more communities to visit.

KAPOY, uy.

October suddenly became hectic.
Oct 4-7 - Zambo del Sur
Oct 8 - CDO
Oct 9 - back to Davao
Oct 10-15 - Manila
Oct 16-18 - Limod Festival in Cotabato
Oct 20-23 - Ugat Seminar CDO
Oct 23-24 - Camiguin (?)
Oct 25 - preparations for teacher's training

Ach.
Tapos I have to schedule trips to more than 20 communities between November and March. It may seem not much but when you are doing the traveling, it is. Kakapagod siya. But it looks good on my calendar, bad on my skin (giant pimple alert right now!)

Hasta la bye-bye muna! See you 'round.