THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CALAPAN COIN

The trip actually started with giddy joy. Most of the trip I was asleep with sea rocking the Supercat like a cradle, whose movements lulled me to a deep soothing slumber. My grin would have broken my face in two. Moreso when there was Emman waiting for me by the pier. He told me I brought the sunshine. For days it has raining, and just because I was going, some blue has finally penetrated the otherwise gloomy gray sky.

It was great being welcomed. It was great being wanted.

Everything around me seemed beautiful then. The hustle and the bustle of the little city I loved so. Even the noxious smoke from the thousands of tricycles that traversed the quiet Sunday roads told me I was back home.

Every waking moment of that Sunday was a feeling of elation. Staying under that little nipa hut in Tawiran with five former students and hopefully forever friends was the contentment I have been so longing for. Emman playing his guitar, Rayven singing along, JR pouring the Fundador, Iww cooking dinner, Annii telling his tales. I, savoring the whole scene like good old vintage wine, trying to taste each moment as it will be a long time before I get to taste it again.

Somewhere along the conversation, most of us declared our love for each other. With me often grasping any arm and giggling like a school girl, “grabe, miss ko kayo. Grabe. Grabe.” On regular days I would have found it hilariously cheesy but that particular moment, I needed to know that somehow Calapan is still there for me to return to. And when one of them put a blanket over me while I was almost drifting off to sleep… I knew they meant what they said.

God continued to shower his blessings on me, same as the drizzle that came and went during the next Monday morning (while roofs were blown by the wind down south). People that I didn’t expect to see were there. Fr. Mimo Perez. My mentor, my father, my brother, my friend. He was the biggest surprise I had. Though we are hardly able to talk, getting a chance to hug him was enough of an assurance he will always be present.

Then there was Bel and Leomar, Emman’s batchmates and currently in Spiritual Formation somewhere down South. People I didn’t expect to see either. It was then I felt the years that passed since I lived in Calapan. Leomar’s hairline has receded considerabley and Bel, who was a lanky lad then, has grown muscle mass and a goatee (and bore a resemblance Ronnie Lazaro). I do not feel older than they are anymore. 20 and 17 seemed like an enormous age gap then but 26 and 23 doesn’t seem as large.

Maybe it was the afternoon nap that turned the mood around.

Sunday and early Monday compressed everything I would have wanted to do for my vacation that Emman and I didn’t know what to do with the rest of the day.

That evening we went to Suqui beach. It was unusually calm and quiet. Almost still. My favorite island was but a dark blue shadow of the royal night. The clouds have started to dissipate and the stars have begun to glimmer in the distance.

Who would have thought I would end up in tears when we just started our conversation about that passing Superferry? Half of me hoped we didn’t have to talk about D, half of me hoped we would. When we did, I was surprised at my own anger. Without realizing it, my teeth would clench as would my fists. It was only that night when the difficulty of the last two years dawned on me. The full weight of it plunked on my shoulders, pinning me down helplessly. And I knew the anger I felt was for myself and hardly any for D. Mostly I was disappointed in him. For unintentionally making me think it was worth fighting myself for.

I was telling Emman, “Putsa. Victim! Para akong Victim. Hindi naman ako sikat!” Afterwhich I’d burst into angry snickering. Angry at myself. I knew how delusional they seminarians could get with their feelings. Yet I let myself believe despite knowing that. Disappointed at him. Because I know in my heart that he could do better. Bottomline was we were both lonely and we were too far apart and we had our ways of dealing with it. I just wished he trusted our friendship more.

But what’s done is done. Tears have been shed. Hearts have been broken. Though it was the last thing we wanted to do, we already have hurt each other too much.

The next day I went home to Manila. That night I cried again. Strangely, when I woke up I felt a slight sense of calm almost to the point of indifference. Right now I teeter-totter on sad and indifference. Sad because it could have ended better if we were just more honest with each other. Indifferent because feeling something intensely after a while burns itself out and leaves you simply numb.

Calapan, I guess, was the perfect place to let go and move on. Same as I lost my JVP crosses there during my last trip (which was after I resigned from JVP). Those crosses constantly reminded me of better things in life. But maybe fate was telling me that despite it being a good part of my life, it was time to seek something else. That those crosses may just be pulling me down instead of lifting me up.

Once again, Calapan has showed its love for me with gentle caring and brutal honesty. It showed me other people that made it the home I feel it to be. It reminded me of the many gifts it has given me the past years. Once I have been content, it whacks me in the head and tells me to leave my baggages there. Where it SHOULD BE left behind. Where it will be taken cared for.

Those three days, between the laughter and the tears, told me that Calapan will always return the love I have for it.

IV. Big surprise!

MINDICAS is the monthly Mindoro priests meeting that was happening that Monday. So when I went down from SASC to the seminary, there was Mimo and Fr. Caloy! Wow! I rushed to hug them both. I clung to Mimo the whole time, despite him being drenched in sweat after their badminton game.

Mimo was the one who made Calapan a home for me.

Then another surprise came when an jeep arrived at the seminary. It was Bel and Leomar! Two more students who I wasn’t expecting to see since their formation house were seven municipalities away. But they had to bring their formator to the MINDICAS, so there. We saw each other.

I hugged Mimo again and said, “ang bait-bait ni Lord” over and over.

The day went on. We had lunch at Greenwich and met Benay, the current Jesuit Volunteer. The rest of the afternoon was spent sleeping. Yey!

V. Exorcising demons
We went to Tawiran to see if we can crash with the boys again. Unfortunately, they were out. Emman and I went to Suqui Beach instead. There we sat by the road by the beach for conversation.
It was dark, the sea was quiet and there were hardly passers-by. Mood like that led to very serious discussions. Without intending too, I talked to Emman about D. Without intending too, I had a good cry and a lot of realizations. After almost five years, I am tired of fighting on my own.

Hopefully, it was a baggage I would not bringing back with me to Davao.

We went home. While Emman was studying for his class, I started crying again. This time because I knew I was going to say goodbye to Calapan the next day. Sometimes I wonder how come I can’t be in Calapan yet. Maybe there were still a lot of things I needed to learn, people to meet, things to do before that happens. Maybe Calapan is not yet ready for me. Maybe I am not yet ready for Calapan. Who knows?

At least, for now, it remains my sanctuary. A place of forgetting pains and remembering joys. A place where I bravely love and bravely accept pain as part of that love.

The stars finally came out that night. Since the storm.

VI. Good weather
I woke up with the sun streaming through the window. The sun was finally out. Instead of a steady trickle of rain were the chirping of the birds. Instead of a dull, grayish day and dark clouds was a day of colors and azure skies.

Time to say goodbye.

I came the day after a storm. I left the day it shined. Hopefully it is the way with my heart. Hopefully, I have enough memories to keep me strong till the next days.

HOMECOMING QUEEN

I. Signal No. 3

Sunday, I was set for Mindoro. The day before that I was with some Aeta children from Bataan on a field trip around Manila. It was still early in the day when I received a text from Emman that it was signal number three in Mindoro and all trips were cancelled. I told him to keep me updated at the end of the night. But I was hopeful that by Sunday, the weather would be good enough to travel.

Despite the warning the day before and the uncertainty of the trips, I left Manila at six in the morning. If trips were cancelled, I would just go to Tagaytay instead. But God is good. The bus arrived in Batangas at 8AM so I was able to catch the 8:15 trip. The clouds continue to hide the sky and a gentle drizzle continue to fall. But I was happy enough.

I am on my way home.

It has been one and a half years. Too long.

II. The Seminary
When the Supercat was about to dock, I could see that it was still raining a bit. I texted Emman not to fetch me anymore. Didn’t want the poor boy to get sick or anything. But when I got out the Supercat there he was, waiting for me. The bubble of joy in my heart was growing bigger and bigger, I just had to hug Emman. My patpatin first year college student is now a patpatin college teacher… with a scooter. Yeah.

We made our way to the seminary. It was great seeing the familiar tree-lined roads, the military base and even the cemetery were welcome sights. And when Emman made a turn at the seminary lover’s lane… it was sheer bliss. Home. Home. Home.

III. Old friends, old home
Usually I stayed at the main seminary but there were no more guest rooms there anymore so I was to reside at SASC (St. Augustine Spiritual Center). The first surprise was seeing Chris, one of my former students. He was one of the caretakers of SASC. We aren’t really close but it was nice to see him again. The conversation was mostly small talk, generally perfunctory but was a good start with my homecoming.

After lunch, Emman and I went to Tawiran. Tawiran was the house I stayed in when I was working for CEDC as a Jesuit Volunteer. Now its has become the formation house of seminarians, first batch of which are my former students.

The way to Tawiran was different now. There were less empty lots and more buildings. But the giant lapida sign was still there to point the way to our little alley. When Emman made a turn, I could see the giant iron gate at the end of the road. Ye ole’ house!

Despite being cleaner and more paved, without any view of Halcon (which we thankfully had), it still was the same old kid’s hub. There were a lot of children playing in the yard. The boys called the fratres. My grin was getting bigger and bigger. My mind kept shouting home, home, home!

And when Rayven went out… everything felt so great. Then there was Iww and Jr. Annii followed (ex-seminarian). We crammed ourselves in the little bamboo bahay kubo as the boys drank, Emman played and I watched all them with delight.

Two and half years from now, if at least one of them stays in the seminary, there will be an ordination happening. Imagine! That would mean that somewhere in the future, I was part of a priest’s life of formation. If and when that happens, I think somebody would be crying buckets.

So Emman and I spent six hours in my old home with my old friends. I got an indecent proposal somewhere that if at 35 I remain unmarried and would want to, just contact him and he’d come running. Hahahaha!

I am once again the beauteous Calapan goddess. Charm at work full time. Harhar.
It took some time before we got home to the seminary because the rain kept falling. Neither Emman nor I wanted to get too drenched so we waited until it was manageable. Good thing too because Emman seemed to have drowned his brain in fundador.

I, on the other hand, fell asleep while they watched the Ginebra-Alaska game. While squished in one of their seats, I felt somebody put a blanket over me. Sweet.

This is the life.

to be continued...

QUICKIE

Kasi I have to go in a while.

Okay naman ang report ko. Whew. Thanks to Maya's (my boss) support, it went relatively smoothly.

Met with Adette yesterday. Great reminiscing about Mindoro.

Maya showed us the roofdeck where we were able to see a great city sunset. Sayang I didnt have my camera with me then.

I'm goiong to MINDORO. SUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPEEEER EXCITED!

Boyd's murder is turning out bigger than I would have expected. The MILF has formed a committee for an investigation. Iba ka, B.

I just hope the other journalists who were murdered will receive the same treatment. The Aklan-on journalist that was shot two days after Boyd has passed away after battling for 47 hours. According to the Inquirer his son was hugging him during his last breath, pleading him not to go. Sad.

:)

* I'm glad to hear a whole lot of relatively good news from T. *jumps for joy* Being Pinoys, despite being faced with death and pain, there is always something to smile about. Sometimes you have to look hard, sometimes you don't. Everything just all boils down to faith and patience.

* My sis is billeted in Mandarin Oriental. Guess who gets to share the room with her? *jumps for joy*

* A former student in Bukidnon who sort of courted me back then texted last night. He said he missed me and all and that he is would just be finishing another year before he graduates. H should have been done last year, but because he has always been "bugoy" and "loko-loko," his studies danced to the beat of cha-cha.

I never took the boy seriously because I always took it as a typical hormonal reaction of young boys to their cute teachers (hah!). But he has always been my favorite "manliligaw" because he was the school's heart throb and he gave me my first love letter. If I were 16 then... *naughty grin* But I was 21, a teacher, a JVP and in-love with someone else. So that was that.

Anyway, it was a nice surprise since it has been so long since he has texted me. For the last five years, he would text every now and then. News of doing better with his school were my favorites (at least he didn't stop), but we'd mostly settle talking about his classmates (which I also loved talking about). Sometimes, he would go and tell me, "ma'am, balik ka dito. Ligawan kita ng matino."

That would often send me smiling in amusement and text my JVP partner about it. Five years. It has been five years and the boy has not given up. Hahaha! It is so cute. Anyway, I'd often veer away against the subject lest I break his ego. But when he is insistent, I'd tell him there are other younger, prettier and kinder women out there as last resort. H resorts to the same tactics and ignores my reply.

So this morning, my phone registered a missed call from him. I had to verify whether it was a real call or not since I was in a meeting. Like most of my former students, it was just a "pagpaparamdam" and he just missed me. Feeling slightly naughty this morning, I asked him why did he miss me all of a sudden.

When I got his answer, I suddenly laughed out loud in amusement: Gusto ko lang ipaalam na binata na ako. asan ka work karon? (corrected version na ang spelling nito).

Hay naku. That boy will always and forever make me happy with his picture of me, whatever that picture is. After all these years, I would have thought he would have forgotten about me. Not that I think he'd do anything, but it is always flattering to be adored like that.

:)

* Death is something you will never ever get used to. Especially when it is so unexpected. Right now, everything seems unreal. And may remain so for quite some time.

* Sometimes you feel unimportant and nothing to the world. That when you go, you leave nothing behind. But then you should realize, there is always a part of you that stays behind. Cherished and love by others. B, despite our insane arguments, I've always thought you were cool. You do have an eye for beauty, especially when it came to girls. Di ba, T?

* T... wish I could be there with you. But you're in good hands with the others. You take care of yourself.

This afternoon, I had a well-thought of entry about CDO, unllike the rushed entries the past few days. Unfortunately my internet card for the office ran out already. Sayang. My Kagay-anon friends would have liked it. Or at the very least appreciate it. It was actually somewhat an "I love CDO downtown" entry. It would be a long time before I get to post that because I will be off to a far away place and come back on the 24th. Maybe I will just redo it one of these days.

Sayang.

It's raining hard outside. If I were in Mindoro or Bukidnon, I'd have run into it. Why not in Davao? Mababa ang resistensiya ko kapag nasa siyudad.

MANY MANY THINGS

1. The training is over today. Yahoo! It was a great week for me. Like I said previously, I felt I was funny as people kept laughing at my jokes. Plus the teachers seemed to enjoy the activities, too.

Last night we held our socials. The conference hall actually had a disco ball, slightly intelligent lights and black lights. I really didn't feel like dancing much (and that's saying A LOT! because I absolutely absolutely love to dance. You can say I'm a dancerous gal.) before the night began. But then I was in a jolly good mood. And when familiar tunes of "Otso-Otso" hit the airwaves, I just had to dance. Because a lot of teacher went in the middle and danced. So I joined in, pulling along everyone else. The fun thing was most of them were game and by the second stanza, Bayani Agbayani could not have been any more proud as even the mature ones, the preggy ones and the shy ones were in the dance circle. YEAH! One Lito Camo hit after another played, and everybody was singing and dancing along. Bulaklak, Spaghetti, Lagot Ka and Totoy Bibo... Amazing how bubble gum pop can unite the country. Hehehe!

2. Damn ATM machine in BPI Divisoria ate my card. It was ready to dispense cash but my card wont go out all the way. I tried to get the guard's attention but he was too slow, the machine ate it up again. With enough calm, despite wondering how in the world I can deal with this given that we have to pay the venue that day, I went to the manager and asked when I can get my card. Thankfully, I could get it near the end of the banking hours. As I was going out, another guy came in because his card got captured too. I told the guard their machine may have some problem. He insisted that there wasn't any and even demonstrated with his own ATM card. There wasn't. When I tried another card, I put in the wrong pin. Again, the damn thing ate it! I was telling the guard to tell their manager to fix the ATM as it couldn't possibly be that every card in the world has something wrong with it.

He still insisted it was our card. I told him my card has been slightly bent for more than a year and it was only now that a machine ate it because of that. And then I told him that my other card was captured because of a wrong pin but it was only once that I got it wrong. Kept reminding him that a card gets captured only after a third. Won't budge. Still insisted we were wrong. Hmph.

Anyway, we got the cards in the afternoon. Tried it again, had it capture again. Stupid machine. If you do observe the card slot closely it was thick with adhesive, making it hard for the card to get out. Hmph.

3. John Pratts was in our venue this afternoon because he had a show in SM. Our venue had a radio station on one of its floors. The joy of our teachers were infections, so... uh..., this is embarassing but... uh, I ran along with them to the booth and waved to John Pratts. Nyahahaha! Aliw. I didn't stay long as I might get worse and insist on a picture. Hahaha!

4. Bigby's. Yum. Mandarin Orange Haystack. Yummmmmmm.

I really had no intention of posting today. But then since I am just chatting, I decided to maximize my internet time.

Wala lang. I am enjoying our training. Enjoying making jokes in front of a group that enjoys me making jokes.

Yun na lang. Hirit kayo sa previous entry. About reading and book clubs and other nerdy stuff I enjoy doing. pero malabong entry. Tulad nito. Blech.

Finally hormones will be stabilizing in a day or two. The feeling isn't as obstrusive as it felt the past few days. Plus I facilitated the minor parts of the teacher's training for our Lumad teachers today. And they were laughing at my jokes and pa-cute. It always-always help to be in touch with pop culture when working with the grassroots. Totoy Bibo and Marina quips always get reactions. Despite not being a funny person, I got laughs. Wheeee! Happy thought for the day. I AM POTENTIALLY FUNNY! Bwahahah.

Am in surprisingly good mood. Maybe because I have a crush on a blogger who I absolutely have no idea about. Hahaha! I'm a crush person, forgive me. Endorphin rushes like these despite being temporary helps me get by the day. Crush lang naman e. Little joys in life I choose to abuse. Just don't think I'm some ditz who runs after anyone in pants (hmm... or skirts for that matter). I like looking. Don't like meeting. Scary! Anyway, goodbye FAD crush (first authentic davao crush), hello FAB crush (first authentic blogger crush). Bwahahaha!

Convincing a friend to take refuge with a book if bored through YM. Which somehow brings me to another story not related to anything that I have stated above. Am in stream of consciousness mode. I called my nine year old niece sometime ago and told her I would be giving her a book for nineyear old kids. Which led her to ask my bro, my mom and her mother (my sis) for books for nine years old. Smart kid. Knows who to ask from as this particular tita is poor. At least, I got the kid to be interested. She did state fear that it might be thick. But remembering own fear of thick books at young age (and sometimes now), I told her I will get manageable book to read. So got the Nonay "the Velveteen Rabbit" as it is one of my childhood favorites. And thin enough to be enjoyed. With some illustrations. Plus classic book that when she reads as teen-ager will understand margery williams story in another level. Sayang though, I'm nowhere near hear. Would love to read it out loud to her and have bit of discussion after. I love reading Children's books out loud. Love book discussions. If there were a book club in davao, would join. Pero kung Sidney Sheldon and Danielle Steele readers, wouldnt have anything to say. If it werent embarassing, I'd form one. But then, it's so hard to gather people for that. To actually seriously discuss book at length.

Whew. Layo ng narating ng kuwento ko. Hahaha! Hope it made sense.

1. WHOPEEEDOOO! Thanks to lightheaded's suggestion, I wrote Dave Sim, author of comic book Cerebus, for an autographed copy of the issue which parodies Death and Dream. And true enough, yesterday I received my copy, almost three weeks since I sent my snail mail to Canada. I love it when writers seem nice. Saya-saya!

2. BOOOO! Stupid hormones. Worst day to choose to go awry. While on travel. Absolutely disgusting and irritating feeling. Crap.

3. BLECH! More on stupid hormones. Feeling of wanting to vomit won't go away. Blech.

4. PLEASE. Give me a happy thought. I need one. Damn American elections. Blech.

Some people are wondering why the sudden re-declaration of love for Darius. It's somebody from New York's fault actually, because it was his birthday. Somehow my chat with bunny skidded towards Darius.

I do have this giant, giant, giant crush on him. Which is reasserting itself because I have not seen FAD crush in months. And blech... so many other things going on that I just need to be mababaw.

Hormonal imbalance affecting my mood. Also known as PMS. Syet. Hateful feeling. Like the world is against me kinda thing. Like things that really don't matter much, matters suddenly.

Hate the world, world hates me feeling. Bleck. And future days of bleeding, sore breasts, aching abdomens and crappy mood. Blech. If any of you boys are reading this, LIVE WITH IT! You're sisters, mothers, girlfriends, wives, friends all go through this crappy every month. And you will never ever know why it affects us so much. So be considerate and live with it. Blech.

TWO THINGS.

1. My ear piercing in the upper lobe closed. Shit. After putting up with the pain for more than five months, it fuckin closes overnight. I need consolation. I loved that piercing. Should i go for another hole or accept the fact that my ears have Wolverinesque healing factor?

2. I will finally declare my love for Darius. Bahala na kayong alamin kung sinong Darius. But I just am so in love with him. Sobrang hindi siya pogi. Pero nakakatawa siya. Silent but deadly funny baga. And he seems to be the nicest in the group. Plays mean guitar. Plus, despite not being handsome, he's the perfect look I want for my guy. Sigh. And he loves robotech and he keeps valkyrie fighters pa. It should have been a sign. I miss watching their gig. I AM IN-LOVE WITH YOU, DARIUS. I want to have your children and bring them to your gigs and make them close their ears while listening to that song you giggle to.

Sigh.

Been playing around with pbase.com, too. Except I'm too dumdum to figure it out. Buti na lang pumunta si Tatit dito sa office. Anyway, I'm still going to upload new pictures as the days progress. People have checked out my attempts at still life. The rest are vanity shots. Take a look. It would be great if you can give a hirit or two. Thanks!
*****
There was once an e-mail circulating about what each woman should have. And one thing I remembered on the list was A GOOD ELECTRIC DRILL. Well, this weekend I got to prove that whoever wrote that thing knew what she was talking about!


For the past months, I have been wanting to buy bookshelves for my room since my study table don't have enough space to hold my books anymore. But then going around and around the malls here, I couldn't find one that suits my fancy. Until last weekend.

It's just a simple four layer book shelf. It's not even real wood. Just that lawanit thingie that's quite uso these days because they're cheaper. The shelves suited the general lay-out I had in mind. So despite having splurged my salary on Christmas gifts and underwear (after paying half my insurance bill, good thing my agent's also my mom), I spent on two four layer book shelves. Right now my spending ATM is near broke and my savings ATM just got broken into. Sigh.

So I asked the sales boys about it. The thing is actually sold disassembled. It either has to be assembled in the store and carried home on a jeep or pick-up or I bring the parts home and have someone assemble it. The boys were all too eager to do it at our house, which just got me a bit suspicious. I don't think that they're going to break in and enter or anything like that. But they kept making jokes that one of them just wanted to see where I live and go a-visiting. Hell, no! Not to be entertained even as a joke.

Meh and I decided to walk and think it off first. After recognizing our options, we decided to try and assemble ourselves since it would be something good to learn. If we can't they we run around like headless damsel chickens in distress and ask for help from our valiant boys. I flashed my cash and got my shelves, split ways with meh and went home.

THIS GIRL HAS LOW EQ. I couldn' wait for Meh. I opened one box and tried to assemble the pieces. Looks easy. Just like jigsaw pieces. Cool. Until I got to the part of screwing. I never realized screwing can be so damn hard! I could only get the screw to go in halfway. Somewhere in the middle, it was too difficult to get it in. Ack. With all my might and all my heart, I tried. But alas! To no avail. It would need ten years of bicep and tricep curls before I have the strength to screw it in.

I was frantic! I didn't want to ask for help. What about girl power?! Waaaah. Sigh. I took a breather and set aside the pieces. My brother sent an electric drill with me when I moved to Davao but I couldn't find it. Sheesh. Had to wait for my mother then. But I couldn't stay still, I REALLY wanted to work on it already. So I searched and searched, and finally found the drill. Yipee! I can do this. I've seen this on the lifestyle channel before. If some pretty sexy girl can do it, so can I. If some leathery old lady can do it, so can I.

Eagerly, I unraveled the drill like an eager child opening her birthday gift. You're my saviour, You're my savior, my thoughts rang loudly in my head. And there it was, all three pounds of it, a gun-shaped drill, with several screw heads and drill heads. Whopee! Then, the world fell again when my eyes laid on the plug. It's a friggin' round plug!!!!!

I tried my CD player converter. Won't fit. Got the AVR from my mom's room, no round holes. But God is good, I found an extension cord that has plugs for flats and rounds. Whopee! I started working once more. It took a while before I got to understand the drill.

When I tried screwing the screw tight, 2 seconds and it was in. So I screwed and screwed and screwed. Damn! It felt great! Woo-hoo! Drill a hole, plug a screw. Yeah! There were a lot of mistakes. There were holes left in the panels, but thankfully hidden by the books.

The assembly was tough, took a lot of time and made me sweat more than I usually do. But despite that, I was quite happy with the results. Every morning I wake up and the first thing I see are the shelves. A bubble of joy comes with the vision. I did that. No help. Just me. Me and my electric drill.

I think I'm in love with an inanimate object.