Nagbabalik na alaala tungkol sa pamamaalam sa isang minamahal.

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Wow. Half the year is almost done. Tomorrow, it will be the second half.

MONDAY THOUGHTS WRITTEN ON A DREARY TUESDAY

As thousands bid their last respects to a great man and humble servant of God, Cardinal Sin, I am here lost in my thoughts. It was only last week I discovered he was actually Honorary Chairman of Assisi. I do not mourn as much as I did during the Pope's passing, but with another passing of a person from history... it seems this country's future may be more bleak as one more freedom fighter finds peace in eternal life. Hopefully, more heroes crop out. Though I believe that the true heroes are those who work without the media behind their backs, people like the pope and the Cardinal and the Dalai Lama are necessary to spur inspiration to those who are salt of the earth. Nonetheless, that was not really the point of this entry but rather a quickie digression.

YESTERDAY, was the last day (I think) of the midyear reports here in the office. One of the reasons why I am here in Manila. Anyway, I actually look forward to these meetings. Not only because of the bottomless iced tea and coffee and the wonderful merienda and the yummy lunch buffet, but mainly because it is great to see what the other people in the foundation are doing and how well they are doing it. More importantly, there are a lot of learning experiences from the stumbling blocks we encounter and a struggle to do better.

Another thing I enjoy about the reports is listening to the wisdom of Amb. Howard Dee. Halfway through his seventh decade, everytime he speaks makes me realize you really cannot beat the value of experience. His wonderful stories of meeting with bishops, country leaders and other international figureheads revel me. It amazes me how people as big as they are really do have the heart for the small people. Especially Sir Dee. And more so when his bottomline is: let us go where the spirit moves us. This man loves God dearly and really, really, really wants the people to experience spiritual development. And realizing that takes a back seat when one is hungry, he makes it his crusade to have their temporal needs provided for. And I love to see a man as experienced as Sir Dee to have the idealism of a young college student.

Despite the number of times I have thought of resigning, I do not have enough balls to as of yet for a variety of reasons. And one of them are the people I work with. More than the money, I find most value in the relationship I have forged with this people. And if not for that, it is not often your workmates inspire you to do more. My selfishness keeps getting the better of me, but times like yesterday reminds me there is a bigger world out there. Not to say that I have regained my passion for work but it keeps me here for now.

Maybe I need to read the story of Job, to understand what faith is really about. Truth to tell, I haven't read it from the Bible and only know it from Superbook.

AND ANOTHER MUSING ON A MONDAY MORNING
While Amb. Dee was telling us of his wonderful tales, Rowie texted me that the Colayco has been torn down already. And it felt sad. There were many wonderful days spent there. Some days ogling Paolo Bediones and wondering at how much hair Hans Montenegro has all over his body. Some days developing relationships with fetching young men of my age. And other days, throwing lines at each other (I was part of the amateur theater org) while waiting for our time to occupy the Rizal Mini Theater. The building that was privy to all that was gone, merely rubble. And in a few months, it will be some new resplendent structure.

And i realized... the tides have began to turn once more. Our time is really gone. The memories we had of Ateneo were just memories already. The freshmen now will recognize that building that was once Colayco as their home, while people like us whine in our corners of the world about how the world has changed. The same way the people before us shook their heads at our immaturity and the new buildings that sprout like mushroom during our time.

Ateneo, I guess, will always be the benchmark of how far we have gone. When I look at the students, it will remind me how far in time I have gone already, from the young reckless sixteen year old freshman who though the world was hers to this world-weary twenty six year old in search once more of her destiny. I shake my head at the sight of students dressed up as if they were going to a party and say to myself, the good times are gone when the days of oversized giordano shirts and tretorn sneakers were the fad. Gone are the days when the Eraserheads were the biggest band break through the mainstream and are now rock and roll legends like the Juan dela Cruz band are in our days.

Time has passed. We may not be old, but the realities of our lives have changed. The Ateneo has expanded to a bigger world where there aren't any grades and there aren't any tuition fees. It now a world when classroom philosophy and theology takes shape and faces you everyday of your life and makes you wish you could be writing that exigesis for your Theo 11 teacher or having orals with your Philo of Man teacher.

Colayco is gone. The memories of it are there. And some other building will serve as home for these new students. And someday they will shake their heads at people who will be as young and reckless as they were. And the world continues.

Sometimes instant gratification can actually help lift your spirits.

While wandering around the shopping mall and ending up in a goth store, pointing to a ridiculously expensive albeit interestingly cute "The Nightmare Before Christmas" bag... I ended up going home with it. Yahoo.

I like my new bag! With intricate spiderweb like net and numerous pockets to put so many stuff in. Yey.

Tnx to my donor. Heheh!

Inner displacement . Lately, I have been going through much of that. It has been going on for months. I'm getting tired of it. Crying spells, apathy and moodiness. How I'd love to blame it on PMS, but that would not be taking responsibility for myself.

Strangely, Manila aggravates the feeling of not belonging anywhere. Being a guest in my own room takes away the sense of freedom and privacy I should have. Meeting up with friends are often reminders of how long I have gone and how my life has become so different. Not that its a bad thing, but i can sometimes be a sad one. No one to blame. People will always grow up on his own, people will always adapt to the life he is living.

What the hell am I saying? Do I even have a point? I guess sometimes a point may not be necessary at all. Sometimes admitting to something finally makes it real. And making something real, makes it easier to combat. Or maybe not. At least, you get to know what you are fighting.

This rut is getting so old. Except I am having a hard time dealing with it more and more. Buti na lang somebody is able to put up with it. Unconfounded fears, sometimes bordering on the silly, can be exasperating for others to bear with. But there are peope, a person to help me deal with this. Buti na lang.

Though I know the solution to this. Prayer. Which I haven't been doing lately. Grsh.

Yesterday, I took a field trip to Gateway Mall (the overrated sosyal mall of Cubao). My primary purpose was actually to purchase books so as to get passes and raffle tickets for the Neil Gaiman book signing. When we got there, I went straight to the displays. Creatures of the Night was the first one I noticed since I haven't seen that before. I decided to hold on to it first because I didn't see any other copy on the shelves. I also got a copy of Midnight Days because Constantine and the Swamp Thing were in it. Jan wanted a copy of Creatures of the Night was well, so we asked the sales lady if they had any other copy. Apparently, the one I was holding was the last. And so, insert evil laughter here, I felt a certain satisfaction with that. Uh, not with Jan not getting his copy, but me having the last copy of something. That always feels good right. Anyway, I can always lend it to Jan after I'm done with it.

Tagged by Rowie:
(I love being tagged!)

Photo to follow (perhaps)....
Number of books I own: Lost count already. Maybe more than a hundred. My mom had to throw away around 40 of my books when our house got flooded six years ago. Huhuhu! My precious judy blume collection!!!

Last purchased book(s): Artemis Fowl: The Opal Deception, a Ray Bradbury book for 50 bucks, Jane Eyre for 25.00 and Jingo by Terry Pratchett for 27.50 (but am planning to buy a couple of Gaiman novels for the passes and raffle tickets this afternoon)

Last re-read: Hmm… Tagal na before I last re-read anything because I have to catch up on my piling to read books. But it could most likely be Harry Potter

5 Five books for a desert island: Jaws. Hahaha! Kidding.
1) American Gods by Neil Gaiman.
2) Einstein’s Dreams by Alan Lightman (pero too manipis)
3) Compiled version of the narnia chronicles (kasi hindi ko pa nababasa)
4) An Idiot’s Guide to Making a Boat or something similar
5) Dustcovers by Gaiman and McKean (maybe I can thoroughly study McKean’s art kasi I will have all the time in the world… before I make that boat)

Book I'd thwack someone on the head with: A thick oxford dictionary, to make sure he’s out for a time

Book I'd like to burn: Strange, I can’t think of anything in a flash. Maybe that dictionary that defines Filipinos as domestic helper.

Book that is overrated: Paulo Coelho, anything. (this was Rowie's answer) – Hehehe! Despite having most of his books and enjoying what he writes, I do agree that he is overrated.

Fun classics: Peter Pan, Secret Garden, Pride and Prejudice, Aesops’ Fables

Last book read: Opal Deception and About a Boy, currently reading superman comics

Five people that I tag to answer these and (optionally) take a photo of their bookcase: Mayette and Pia because I know they have tons of books, Shiva and Ayeza because I wonder what they read, and Jowi because I haven’t tagged her before.

What are the things you enjoy, even when no one around you wants to go out and play? What lowers your stress/blood pressure/anxiety level? Make a list, post it in your journal, and then tag 5 friends and ask them to post it in theirs.

I was tagged by inabear

Reading books and/or comics
Watching vcds, dvds, tv
Write entries, paper or web
Answer surveys like this
Forage for food
Fix my photos
Check my email and friends blogs
Look for reviews of mobile phones I am interested in (but may never really buy) on the net
Walk around the mall and window shop
Browse bookstores
Watch movies

You’ve been tagged:
Light headed, silverlining, babypink, kaladkarin, balikbayanbox

*****
Went to work today even if it is a holiday to make phone calls to our partners. Had an unexpected heated discussion with one. The conversation didn't end all violent or anything (we didn't even come close to getting there) but it still ended with irritation left in the air. It's a hateful feeling in my gut right now. Grsh. I couldn't get the strength to call our other partners anymore. Considering I tried to start with the easier ones. Grsh.

Darned way to start the week. Just answered the survey to cool off a bit. Grsh. I think I want to shop. (hah, what a way to cope. thank god, i don't have money right now or else i might have busted whatever money i have. grsh)

This blog hasn't been Biyaheng Mindanao for the longest time. My last visit to our areas were around March. Something I am happy about really because long bus rides are starting to tire me out. Even the usual thrill of riding the habal-habal has lost its magic. Sitting on a motor bike after more than an hour tends to lull me into sleepiness, which then makes me a dangerous passenger.

April and May was the time for school break, as well as my own get-away to Visayas. After hopping three different islands of Visayas, I realized it would be a great place to explore. Though I knew that for a fact already, there were places I discovered as I tried plotting my way from Davao to Boracay.

This month of June I will be stuck in Manila. I'm not complaining though. This gives me a chance to spend time with Jan and my bro, as well as meet up with friends I haven't seen for sometime. I've already started last Friday, getting a last-minut invitation from Bok for a welcome-back videoke session for Erik. Finally I get to meet Raymond and Lon. Plus had longer conversation time with Diane and some silly attempts for a Bisaya conversation with her friend, Dindin. It was great seeing Toni after so-many months. Last time I saw her was Christmas, and well... pretty as ever (and no, toni, you are not fat).

Yesterday, Jan and I tagged along Rowie and Mike as they canvassed for whatever preparations will be necessary for their wedding next year. Some of the people in the booths were asking when my wedding will be. And I was like, "huh? wedding?" And then I'd remember we were in a bridal fair. There was this one guy who caught me off-guard and I said, "uh... oh no, kabit ko lang tong kasama ko. my husband is at home. tawagan natin?" and then did a double-take, "actually, sila ang magpapakasal" while I point to ROwie. Wala lang.

Anyway... yun. I don't know why I even started talking about Biyaheng Mindanao then talking about meeting with my friends. If there is a connection when I started, it eludes me now. Forgive me na lang, it is a Sunday morning where the brain has the right to be dysfunctional.

Now off to my date with my bro. After I take a bath...

Ciao.

Interesting (or maybe aliw is the better term) "welcome-back" gifts:
a box of my favorite breakfast cereals almond clusters
and a box of stress tabs after asking him the previous night to remind me to buy vitamins.

drop by!

a new sign
and some reverie

manila, here i come! *clap, clap!*

JR KILAT

Last Tuesday, after watching Madagascar for the second time, I was kidnapped by Yani, Tatit, Nin and Andy to MTS. To our disappointment, Popong Landero was not playing.

Tat and I decided instead to take a look at the ukay-ukay at the market strip. On our way there, posted by the comfort rooms, was a poster red-green-yellow hues announcing that Junior Kilat will be playing at the Taboan on June 3.

JUNIOR KILAT IS COMING!!! *shouts and runs around with arms flailing* Our sigbin (the Visayan counterpart of the Tikbalang) friends are coming. Our RNB (Reggae na Bisaya) friends from Cebu will be in Davao.

Oh yeah!!!

Fast forward to Friday

The entire week I always went home early just so I can save all my energy for last night. Finally, reggae in Davao. Reggae, for some strange reason, is not widely popular here. Despite being surrounded by beaches and showered by intense heat. Despite having attires perfect for reggae readily available at the famous Aldivinco strip.

Before going to MTS, we had dinner with Lissa’s friend from work and took her for a taste of native durian. To which Jerry and I ended consuming for ourselves after Grace stopped at one seed.

By the time we were midway to MTS, the rain was falling hard. The taxi entered the MTS compound. The sidewalk was littered with teen-age skankers, who upon seeing I blurted out, “Uy, nagkalat ang mga sigbiners!”

Usually the military just checks the cars’ trunks and lets it proceed. But they were particularly strict last night, opening the door and asking for our bags to be checked. (And as I was writing this, I had a Eureka moment. The military were not such dumbasses after all. Since it was a particularly famous reggae band, the night was quite conducive for skankers wanting a natural high.)

We met up with Rhen-Rhen (welcome to Davao! A new addition to the JVP family) and her dude then went on to Taboan, rushing through the rain.

Lo and behold! It was the first time the Taboan was ever filled to the rafters, with hardly any moving room. MTS could be filled up by events like Lovapalooza and Kadayawan, but Taboan itself always had room.

So that means ASTEEEEG talaga ang Junior Kilat. The more astig thing about it was most of the people flooding Taboan were Rastafarians. I would have never thought there were that many in Davao. So Chucks, dreads, camouflage, black shirts and even the smell of cannabis were all over the place.

They were already playing. And at first glance, we were already impressed and amused and aliw with the lead singer. Budoy, the lead singer, had his hair wrapped with a fuschia shawl. The entire group was dressed in varied impressions of military attire. And special attention to the hot chick keyboardist, of course.

Budoy was a master performer. Often spurting a litany of adlibs in deep Cebuano. Occasionally posing for pictures from camphones and digital cameras. There was even a time where he went down on stage and posed here and there with the crowd. More aliw was when he went back on stage and got his own digicam and took the crowds picture. “Tindog, tindog (stand, stand)” he asked the crowd to which they happily obliged.

Afterwhich they performed crowd favorites “Ako si M-16” and “Original Sigbin.” I couldn’t help myself from bobbing up and down (as I couldn’t skank around with the very confined space I was in). The smile on my face just wouldn’t go away. I missed reggae and I could feel the energy rushing back to me. My kind of music. Ya, mon!

Song after song, Budoy was epileptic all the way. Moving like a fish out of water, having convulsions every so often. The crowd loved him! Girls were declaring their undying love and boys were secretly dreaming to be like him.

When they were done, the crowd thinned out. I thought the night would be over and I could actually go home earlier than expected. But then another reggae band started playing Marley staples. Songs of which I just had to move to. Now that there was enough space, Jerry, Tatit and I danced unabashedly near the stage. (and dancing unabashedly in public wide open spaces are signs we are not native Dabawenos).

The band pales in comparison with the performance level of Junior Kilat, but they weren’t bad at all. Good, in fact. Just need some more energy and image make-over from the makalaglag-panty (in a non-traditional but very Pinoy way… just the way I like it) vocalist. They closed the day with “Buffalo soldier” aka oyoyoyoyoyo song to which we jumped around as if we had ants in our pants.

Saya. Ang saya kagabi.

Ngi.

That was my reaction when I accidentally saw the tips of my red Chucks while walking to NCCC under the intense heat. They were glimmering as the sun shone on them. I haven't seen them reflect light since... since... I don't even remember. Must be a week or so after I bought them (so that would be around March last year).

Our new househelp washed them on her own initiative.

Clean-looking shoes. It's so strange. Hahaha! Chuckie must be so happy to be able to breathe again. Though I miss seeing mud splattered all over my hi-cuts.

Oh well... if our teenage househelp feels icky about it then maybe I should be to.

But... but... but... that means I have to be careful not to get them dirty again.

Oh, the dilemma of clean shoes.

And why do ants keep crawling up to me even when I have not eaten anything sweet. Grsh. And don't tell me that I am because I'm not. Hmph.

ANNOUNCEMENTS

1. A new sign!

2. A new blog! And you may go... na naman! Yeah, yeah, I admit. Blog addict I am. Too many thoughts on my mind that I can't seem to place them in one blog. Anyway this one, like signs, has a point. Titled sa dagat... sa bukid..., the entries are for those days when I long for my JVP area and want to just remember events and people about it. This one I am sure I can update regularly since I am often embraced by pangs of longing. Originally intended for my Mindoro-craving thus assigning a webaddress calapan.blogspot.com. But eventually realized, Pangantucan has a lot of good memories that deserved to be put down too.

And so please drop by sa dagat... sa bukid... I'm sure it will be an interesting ride.

JVP friends... third entry is about pre-orsem in Pollock!

MY TRUE LOVE

A text alert broke my concentration from a survey I was answering since I haven’t gotten into the mood for after-lunch work. It was an unregistered number which wasn’t really surprising since I lost my phone more than a month ago. The message was from Divine telling me she has arrived in Calapan. We lasted for a few more exchanges as I go on my usual ranting to new Mindoro volunteers to be open to the place for Mindoro loves dearly and passionately.

Ahh… my dearest, dearest Mindoro. Right now, as I am typing, my heart swells with pride and love and longing as nostalgia grips my soul.

Mindoro, Mindoro, Mindoro. The very taste of the word is sweet and succulent like freshly picked rambutan from my old Tawiran home in Calapan while I was still a Jesuit Volunteer. Mindoro, Mindoro, Mindoro. The very memory of it makes me salivate as if peeled green mangoes and bagoong were right before me. Mindoro, Mindoro, Mindoro. The mere mention of its name makes my heart race and my stomach quiver as if I just ate cholesterol-rich kare-kare.

Sigh.

Mindoro. Memories of a life lived with much freedom and generosity and contentment. A time where all that mattered was loving and giving fully without expecting anything in return. And yet, I was loved back with much understanding and forgiveness.

Yet my love story with Mindoro is somewhat of a tragicomedy. Of loving passionately but without consummation. Of much desire but without opportunity. Of finding THE one but not being right for it at the moment. And yet I remain fiercely, steadfastly loyal, sometimes to a fault that I have closed myself to others whom I can love as well.

There was one particular starry night around four years ago where with four other kindred spirits I lay on the cemented path in front of the seminary chapel staring the infinite darkness of the night sky patiently waiting for a shooting star to wish on that I made a foolish vow with reasonable conditions.

To my diminutive adopted little brother I turned and said, “Otits, Ga, Kung 30 na ako at wala pang nahahanap na tao para sa akin o hindi masaya sa trabaho, babalik ako dito sa Mindoro. Dito na ako magpapakatandang dalaga.”

To which he answered, “Ga, talaga? Huwag kang mag-alala. Dun ka sa malapit sa amin titira para maalagaan ka din ng mga anak ko kapag kasal na kami ni…”

A year later, I upped by vow to 35 after I realized that 30 is way too young to make a decision like that. A few months after, Ga broke up with…

And now that I am in Davao… it seems like I am drifting further and further away from my beloved. Not only by proximity, but the life I have been leading seems to be quietly letting Mindoro go bit by bit. It saddens me for I remain passionately in-love with it. I change my vow and pledge to come back when we are ready for each other once again.

Mindoro has changed much. So have I. Yet that thread that binds us, much like the silk from a spider’s womb, seemingly fragile yet resilient, deceivingly invisible yet quite present.

Mindoro, Mindoro, Mindoro. You shall forever be my one true love. Every mention of your name shall bring back the taste of bittersweet memories that brought me where I am now.

I love you. I love you with much passion.

(sigh. I so wish to be there right now.)

Ooooh...

I've been included in the Pinoybloggers list. It's a wonder how you get found without meaning to. Anyway, not that I've got any hits yet or will get any... but I'm still on the list. Cool. :)