CLOSING 2004

It hasn't been a great year. 2004 began with a quiet venom. A trip to beach triggered something that led to pneumonia. Then two weeks after that I had to go to three communities up in the mountains of Malita. The trips went on and on, getting more difficult emotinally more than physically. Issues wrapped around my heart and soul leading me in and out of depression. Not enough positive thinking can get me away from the loneliness and emptiness I felt. I felt alone, I felt unreal. I was neither friend nor daughter, worker nor leader. I was nothing. People pained me. Life stung me without meaning to. I was getting weak, turning into a coward, afraid of facing all the issues that hound me.

Until I couldn't deny how much it was weighing me down, blackening my sould that used to be so light and free. I had to look all the issues into eye and accept what they were telling me. No more running away because it was just prolonging the agony. The sooner I dealt with things, the sooner I moved on.

The last quarter of 2004 turned over the turbulence of the months before that. Somehow I understood my purpose, discovered my limits and potentials, saw into my own soul and allowed my heart to desire. I accepted the things I had to let go. Closed the things that shouldn't have remained open. And other things started coming in.

Yesternight could have been the last closure that was needed to make 2004 a meaningful one. Joy that was truly felt because I have found out what pain can be, without anything else happening to me but the world.

In a few days, 2005 will come with a promise of new beginnings that I could either take advantage of or waste. I thank the Lord, I will face it with hope in my heart. Happy new year everyone. There is always a reason to HOPE as long as you have the patience (remember Sacrament of Waiting).

*****
Sometime third year college, I found this drawing of Sleeping Beauty with a caption saying "Sleep, my beauty for they prince will come... if thou hast the patience of a hundred years." At 17, it was sweet and it was pathetic. When I discovered who drew it, I fell in love with him and unintentionally broke his heart a few months after. He might have cursed me with that drawing. But I have realized I may have learned to have the patience to wait for a hundred years if it is a guarantee of good things. :)

*****
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Tahimik ang Pasko ngayong taon. Kami lang ng nanay ko at lola ko ang nagdiwang ng Pasko. Kuya ko at si Jeana (yung helper naming da best) naman ang magkasama sa Sta. Ana. Si Ate, asawa niya at ang kanilang limang supling ay salu-salo sa Cebu. Malamang masaya duon.

***
But it’s okay. It wasn’t as lonely as I expected. Quiet, yes. Lonely, not really.

For the first time, I get to cook most of the Christmas dinner. My mom asked me to cook the spaghetti. Something I never cooked before. Yup, 26 years of my life, I have never tried making spaghetti. Carbonara, yes. Stroganoff, yes. Spaghetti meat sauce, no. Harhar. But nonetheless, it was an easy enough recipe to figure out. I also made the fruit salad, which turned out to be nata de coco drenched in cream. Both turned out well for first time cooking. Mom took charge of the ham and chicken.

And that was Christmas dinner.

***
The past years, I often wail about not feeling Christmas. This year was different. I still wish there was something I could have done to make Christmas feel more uhm, Christmas. But I guess I have come to accept that I am growing old and Christmas won’t feel as exciting as it used to be when I was a child. The only time it would feel that good I think is when I have children of my own.

I take comfort in the fact that most of the gifts I have given to people were appreciated. Like I said in a previous entry, that gives me much joy. Especially since I really try to consider who I am giving it to. I know the feeling of getting a Christmas gift you really like and that makes Christmas more Christmas.

***
Booty for this year. Superb! Last year, I didn’t get much. This year, interestingly enough, I received more than expected. And a lot of the gifts I really, really like. Actually there were just one or two misses, but most were great. Maybe that’s why I’m not complaining about Christmas not being Christmas. But that would make me materialistic, right? Hope not. I mean I don’t mind not getting gifts but I do love getting them. So… so… there.

Merry Christmas! I’m excited to cook media noche dinner for New Year’s Eve. Realized I enjoy cooking after all!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Despite the many challenges that we have faced this year, let us remember that there is always a reason to celebrate. Let us remember that each one of us is a Christmas package waiting to be opened and shared with others. Just like the little child in the manger who was born into the world to love us.

Enjoy the holidays! Spread the holiday cheers. :)

Masaya ang Christmas party kahapon.
Masaya rin ang gimmick kagabi.
Not enough time to articulate.
Have funny and interesting kuwentos that I can't put down in words as of yet.
Next time, a more decent entry.

CHRISTMAS WISHLIST

Last Sunday, I went shopping to buy gifts for my officemates and Davao friends. Every Christmas, I have fun shopping for gifts. I like giving gifts to people, especially on Christmas. Unlike birthdays, everyone is special on Christmas, because Jesus was born for everyone. Return gifts are not necessary, though highly appreciated. Who doesn’t like receiving gifts? But I feel most joy when the people I give a gift too sincerely likes what I have given.

Those who have received gifts from me so far liked it. Yipee!

*****
So far I have been able to receive:
* a mp3/cd/vcd player from my brother (given last November)
* skipping Christmas by John Grisham from Jerry
* novellino wine from Maya
* a beautiful candle from the JVP party exchange gift
* decorative stones and glow in the dark stuff from another JVP party exchange gift
* a very, very beautiful kumbong from Nette during the ADF Christmas party
* a digital camera from myself care of brother’s credit card (I love my bro!)
* an unopened gift from Nikki again from the first JVP party
* an unopened gift from Sr. Michelle (which is a bag and something else because others have it too)

Hmmm… got more booty this year than last year. Yey! Hopefully more booty to come. But need not be just to be happy. Happy enough already. :)

MY WISHLIST:
Practical stuff:
A maglite or any flashlight that would work even when wet (parang napkin!) – for field work and for spelunking activities (na wala pa as of yet. Hmph)
A water-resistant knapsack good for three days worth of clothes (my body surf bag is too big for short trips)
Short sleeves Dri-fit shirt, again for field work. Regular color lang, no violets or pinks. Blue, white or gray would be great.
Hiking shoes (I doubt if I will get this because I won’t get it for myself either. Not yet.)
Board shorts for swimming
New pair of swimsuit, boy shorts and tank top pair
Black and/or brown boots

Any CD of:
Alicia Keys
Sting
any OPM band (except for Parokya, Rivermaya and Bamboo because I have those, and Oranges and Lemons kasi hindi ko sila feel)
Josh Groban
Dave Matthews (curioser and curioser)
John Mayer
Jason Mraz
Jamie Cullum
The 50 First Dates soundtrack

A poster of:
The X-Men
New Mutants
The Lord of the Rings, especially Gollum. Gimli and the Hobbits would do too.
Ranma ½
A valkyrie
Dream, Delirium, Destruction or Death
The Endless

Comics/Books:
The Dreamhunters by Neil Gaiman and that Japanese Author I forgot
The Witch comic book collection numbers 17-20 (I can look for 21 to 29)
The entire Narnia Chronicles (would you believe I have not read it? Stupid me!)
The second Abarat book (damn expensive! So-so story but great art. Hmph!)
Any Shel Silverstein poetry book
The Griffin and Sabine trilogy (even if I do not understand the entire point. I just love the art.)
Any of the Sandman collection (Especially Seasons of Mists, except Brief Lives dahil salamat kay Mayette, meron na ako)
Memoirs of a Geisha (curious ako about it but couldn’t bring myself to buy it yet)
Any poetry book the giver would recommend

VCD/DVD (yung DVD kahit pirated, okay lang):
Il Postino (di ko napapanuod. Nyet!)
Trainspotting (curious sa kwento)
Dancer in the Dark with Bjork (one of the best movies ever)
Ten Things I Hate You (one of my favorite feel good movies ever! Love you Heath and Julia!)
Til There Was You (Juday and Piolo! Funnier than Got 2 Believe.)
Kung Ako na Lang Sana (Sharon and Aga. Wala daw Chemistry. Exactly the point!)
A dance workout for non-gimmick nights (gotta burn those Christmas calories!)

DAMI! Hahaha!

Finally found a Before Sunrise VCD. By accident. Bought it kahit mahal. Pero finally. Now I will know why it people, even guys, like it.

*****
Pictures of our party sa waterfront. Except it's all view and not much people.
And the Noel Cabangon-Joey Ayala concert here in Davao. The gods of Filipino alternative music. Nag beso kami ni Noel. FC! FC! (feeling close)

*****
Am thankfully calm right now. The bubbles haven't burst but there isn't much helium in my balloon to make me go all squeaky and hysterical anymore. The impromptu shopping must have helped. Bought the hiking pants and bush hat I have been wanting but either there was no size or no money. Plus, three vcds. One of which I will wrap for an exchange gift. Am keeping 'the Crow' and 'My Girl'. The other one, I will watch before I wrap. Hehehe.

The office is awfully quiet. Well there is Joey Ayala and Noel Cabangon jamming on my media player and the insistent humming of the air-conditioner that keeps the world from being bothersomely silent. Most of the people are out of the office. Some went on field work while the office-based staff went to Marilog to join the Ilawan party. I opted to stay here to do some work as it has been literally piling up on my table.

(Noel’s singing is once again giving me that nostalgic feeling. I can imagine myself starting to become as ephemeral as the smoke that enveloped them as they were singing them. *sways head unconsciously*)

While I am in a rush to do as much as I can, my imagination has been running wild with possibilities. The song Lea Salonga and Christian Bautista sang in her concert keeps ringing in my head. While a part of me giggles like a high school girl, the ‘seasoned’ I bops me on the head and tells me to stop floating too high. Moments may indeed serve as a promise of something else but then it can just be what it simply is – a moment. Why waste emotion? (And now I can feel Tatit bopping me with my mother’s Christmas throw pillow.)

Nonetheless, our (T, Meh and I) formulated motto for the year is ‘assume nothing, enjoy everything.’ There is no harm in having fun with remembering. But STILL, the cycle of the giggling school girl and the head-bopping goes on and on. I think I can start feeling that imaginary bump growing larger and more tender (and the stupid school girl keeps touching it and asking ‘masakit ba?’ Uh, duh.)

*****
THE RESURRECTION

My toenails died last February from too much field work while wearing the wrong kind of shoes. For the past months, they have been disguised under various pedicure paint of tan, cinnamon and beige. Finally, after ten months, my toenails are alive once again. They are free to expose themselves to the world, without any mask or disguise. Ah… if they could only cry in joy.

My eyes are screaming for sleep. My heart is pumping double time trying to keep up with the work I keep notating on my mind. Since November 30, I have been working in full gear. Except for that quiet day on the beach. But then it was a costly mistake missing that meeting as I am forced to conduct an site investigation somewhere in Davao as penance. It's better to have a tired body than a guilty conscience.

Argh. I want to cry. Tired, tired, tired. But I'm really not complaining. Just wishing for four hours without having to think of anything but a comfortable sleeping position. Anyway, I have been wishing for this rush. Ta-dah, here it is! Except the load came piling higher and higher and higher. I may have to say goodbye to my Christmas vacation.

Which leads be to additional stress of reserving a flight for my Manila trip. I'm almost ready to give up a chance to party with the Manila office. Though a big big part of me desperately wants to go there. Will do. Need to? Don't know. Want to, I'm sure.

-----

Anyway, last night I finally had a chance to listen to Noel Cabangon and Joey again. I never realized how much I missed listening to my music gods. They are often the only reason why I bother going to 70's Bistro all the way to Sta. Ana (and Parokya ni Edgar).

The show was a blast, made more interesting by the great rapport of good friends and artists who believe in their causes. I hardly watched the slide show. The two of them had me mesmerized. Their voices blending so beautifully, making their songs all the more haunting and real. Tears would have come, if I weren't so struck.

They keep singing about the children. And there was a power point picture showing, too. Though there were a lot of powerful images, my mind had its own slideshow playing. The kids in Lupok-Lupok in Bukidnon, in Banlud, Compostela Valley, in Kapatagan, Lanao del Sur...

Last night, despite almost ready to die from fatigue... I am reminded of why I let go of dreams I used to have. I am reminded despite being unworthy and sometimes kicking and screaming against it... I have been chosen.

Together with other chosen ones last night... Noel and Joey have onced again struck a chord.

Panaw sa Kalinaw pictures! Just because we talk serious doesn't mean we are. Masayang magpakasaya. Hehehe!

And the after panaw pix. Jan, Japs and I.

I can’t seem to put together the words for the Peace Conference that we had. You could say it was a typical conference complete with all the hustle, bustle and mishaps that went with it. The experience was quite rich so let me just summarize it with what I have learned from the conference itself and the people that worked for it.

1. Peace is something that we hope for but something we are not sure would happen within our lifetime. Still people work for it despite the possibility of not achieving that goal. I realized that it is really HOPE that keeps many people going. The workshop I documented for was a community that has been ravaged by war. Even if the bombs and machines have destroyed their houses, it was not able to destroy their spirit. The people from the community continue to work for whatever it is they can achieve with the help given them.

Realizing that humbled me. If they can dare to hope, so to should I. A bit of my cynicism has been erased.

2. Good relationships make work fungoing.

It was wonderful laughing together while working. The whole ADF staff were all game to help, all game to make fun and be made fun of. Despite the tiring day, most everyone were game for a night cap of chatting or beer or smoke or singing or all of the above. Even with the lack of sleep, everyone still had the energy to do their job with vigor.

Because we kept on lauging.

3. This is something not directly involved with the conference but something I learned during the activity.

When you let go, things start happening unexpectedly. I guess unconsciously you become open to more things then when you decide to move on and not delve much into an unrecoverable past. It’s a great feeling.

And now the conference has ended, things are back to normal. Except I’m smiling and laughing more. :)

Looking at today’s papers, there were still a lot of left-over from last week’s typhoons. While there was so much chaos and destruction happening in Luzon, we had our own mini-chaos in the office preparing for our Panaw sa Kalinaw conference.

BOO
I hardly got to read the news though there were times I got to see the pictures on the paper. And it cut my heart seeing all those trees blocking the river and spilling into the ocean. My heart bled seeing all those people either dead or hardly alive. Guilt occasionally crept in because I felt so useless against it and there wasn’t anything I can do except offer a prayer. There were not a lot of relief operations here in Davao and most of us here in the office seemed to have entered the alternative dimension of the “Panaw sa Kalinaw.”

YEY
Despite that, there was a sense of pride in me everytime I hear about a hero born with the circumstance. That taxi driver, a simple resident, volunteers… Love Actually comes to life here in the Philippines in this situation. People continue to desire the good despite the many bad things that happen everyday.

BOO NA NAMAN
It is VERY UNFORGIVABLE for the NPA to have attacked the soldiers involved with the relief operations for the typhoon victims. CURSE YOU! Go ahead and shoot me if any of you are reading my blog right now. But what you have done is very, very unforgivable! There is always a time and place for asserting ones’ beliefs and a time and place to let it go. This was one of those times to let go! This was the time to help each other out for the good of the people you claim to fight for.

Honestly, I barely have an idea of NPA ideologies right now. So I cannot offer any judgment before whenever they clash with the military. The military itself does not exactly have an impeccable record to get me on their side (not that my opinion matters, but I just want to talk about this).

But what happened the last week, on two separate ambush by the NPA on the military relief operations… it was categorically wrong. MALING-MALI TALAGA! It was not the time and place. Grrrr.

Wait for the papers either tomorrow or the next day. The participants of the Panaw sa Kalinaw have strongly condemned what happened. Hmph.

Later some tidbits on our Peace Conference.

Headache. Lack of sleep finally catching up. Did have a nice quiet time at the beach. Too nice that I actually forgot I had a meeting at one in the afternoon. Aaaaah. Good thing the nun was nice about it. Hahay. Conference was a blast. More on that later. Right now, just entry-ing to let people know I'm still alive. Missed you all. (Naks.)

Calapan pictures.