THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST

It will be showing today, hopefully nationwide.

For the past weeks, there have been a lot of reviews coming out already. Most of the time, the critics talk about the gore an d how it has made the movie real. After two , I stopped reading them. Though I remain to look forward to seeing it.

Given the reflection time I get from traveling, the life of Christ has been constantly on my mind. Especially whenever I am walking great lengths and feeling quite tired and sore.

There was this one time and old friend and I were having a conversation about God. He said something like Christ knew he was going to resurrect in three days after his death, so in a way it puts into question his humanity.

I disagreed. On the contrary, it heightens the humanity of Christ. True, he may have arisen on the third day but the fact that he let Himself be hurt and pained, that He let himself be ridiculed in front of the vengeful masses… HIS DEATH REMAINS THE GREATEST ACT OF LOVE anyone can do for us. Christ humbled Himself, embraced his humanity, experienced the pain of our sins everytime he was whipped by the Roman soldiers.

I remember receiving an e-mail about the suffering of Christ where a doctor describes what was happening to Jesus while he nailed on the cross. How the blood was pooling in his lungs, making breathing difficult. How his outstretched hands caused so much pain on every muscle on his body. And so many other things I probably chose not to remember. That e-mail made me realize how much Jesus diminished Himself for love.

And everytime we commit a sin against him and our neighbors, Christ is flogged all over. And yet He continues to bear the pain. Because of His deep and steadfast love for each and every human being.

Indeed Christ will rise. But not to show the glory of God alone. He resurrected to give us hope. To let us know that life does not end on Good Friday. To let us know that life does not end, that it continues, that there is always the RESURRECTION to celebrate our lives, sinful as it is because for every act of love that we share… we heal a wound in Christ’s back, we come nearer the day of the Arising.

I am sure I will end up bawling watching “The Passion.” But I am as certain that I will go out of the cinema feeling deeply loved.

My body is still sore from wall climbing.

Had a nice lunch with Jay (Zambo JVP) and Meh-Anne (Davao JVP). They are off to their yearend later. Shucks! Memories as volunteer and as staff.

The greatest years of my life. But then, things still get better and better. Especially if you fall in love with God more and more. :)

Some thoughts while on the tube.

TUBING
Yesterday, Jerry and Tatit organized had a tubing adventure as pseudo-despedida for Meh-Anne, the Davao JVP. Pseudo because she decided to stay here in Davao with us lovely people (*grin*) and will be coming back this May. With Sherwin, the four of us trooped with all excitement to the river where the tubing was to be.

THE THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH A SALBABIDA
Our mode of transportation: good old SALBABIDA with a twist. To serve as a seat, they have woven together rubber strips strong enough to hold our weight.

A trike took us to where we were to start our sojourn, around fifteen minutes from the cottages. While Meh, Tatit and I were waiting for the boys, we plopped on our tubes and tried to catch a catnap. Instead we got ourselves a bright idea. Salbabida furniture! They can be used as seats! So we were already made plans of acquiring some once the three get a new house (hopefully near ours!). Cool, di ba?

JUST AROUND THE RIVER BEND
We trooped to the river carrying our salbabidas. Once the woods opened up to the river, the excitement rose. There it was, with currents too strong to be swam in but just right for some bumping and cruising on while on an inner tube.

The adventure begins.

While your guide makes sure you don’t crash into rocks (much), I thought I had it easy. Na-ah! It was an ab workout! And can give you much neck strain, too. There was much fanny-bumping against the rocks too. Ah, but worth is an adventure without the pain?!

After a while though, even with the varying strength of the currents, it eventually loses its thrill.

SPICING THINGS UP
So we stopped at THE ROCK. It’s actually a 90 degree cliff you can climb which have rock points you could jump from.

CRAZY. DANGEROUS (not really). AND FUN!
I have three problems though.
1. I do not think I know how to swim. (But the skill appears in times of need).
2. I only did wall-climbing once, and seven years ago.
3. I have a great, great, great fear of jumping.

Nobody forced me to try the wall, but I felt it would be such a waste not to try. Besides, I have swam deep rivers and jumped cliffs, waterfalls and boards several times already. So trying THE ROCK (wall 1 and wall 2) out could actually work out.

THE ROCK, wall 1.
There were a lot of footholds on this wall so it seemed easy. Yeah right! I could hardly get out of the water! The current was too strong and I couldn’t find the first foothold that gave me confidence to step on.

So many attempts, I failed. Made me feel down. :(

But the guide told us I could try the next wall. So with a heavy heart we went on.

And then suddenly a greater wall approached our vision. With less foothold.

It is…

THE ROCK, wall 2
How can the guide bring us away from the first wall of which I failed to climb to this which barely had anything to hold on to! And there were more jump off points with this one.

The teen guides climbed like spiders and went to a point of about 20 feet. And jumped. Woo-hoo!

I didn’t think I could make the wall. But as my belief in many things, I want to know for sure by doing it and not making it rather than simply thinking I won't make it.

So I crossed the deep water and clutched to the only foothold visible to me.

Getting out of the current was easier than the first one. But getting to the rocks wasn’t. It required much stretching and flexibility which I do not think I possessed at the moment.

I tried and fell. Tried and fell.

My shoulders were aching.

Then another try. And lo! I climbed and climbed. And stopped. To breath and to shake involuntarily. I could hardly keep my strength. But I had to get to the rock! And without much thinking, I just let my body climb, I made it!

Ach! Which required me to jump into the water. Noooooh! I’m afraid. I was really, really, really scared. I shook more. My body stiffened up. I could hardly tell my legs to jump. But seeing that everybody was cheering me on and would save me in case I drown… I had to do it. Besides, it’s easier than climbing down.

It took quite a while. But I jumped! Falling felt like forever. Until I felt my body hit the water and make a splash and have the current lift me up to the surface.

BACK TO THE FIRST WALL
I was still dismayed by not being able to climb the first wall. So I tried it again after our second round.

It was such an ordeal. So many times I tried, until I was finally able to get to one point where I could jump. Whew! Or so I thought.

Being able to jump the first cliff didn’t assure me of the courage to jump this one. There were plants that blocked my jump. I scared of getting caught and hitting a rock or something.

The gang had to put up with me telling them I can’t, attempting to go down and all that. That was like thirty minutes or maybe more. I was so embarrassed but my fear was real. Had the feeling that I would be staying in that cliff forever.

Finally, after praying over and over, I jumped.

The water wasn’t that deep, I hit the ground. But well… I did it. Overcame my fear. But I still felt like such a coward for taking so long to jump.

I tried the second wall again. It took me much longer to be able to climb it. Maybe because I was too tired, I don’t know. But I couldn’t leave without trying it again. After much tries and several pictures, I did it.

YOU’LL GET BY WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM YOUR FRIENDS…
The day was really fun. But I think I enjoyed it mostly because it was spent in good company who was game to do most anything for you and with you.

I was most happy with the fact that the guys cheered me on, assured me of saving my life in case I drown, putting up with my stupid fears…

Thanks Tatit, Jerry and Meh-anne. Kaw na rin, Sherwin. It wouldn’t have been that great if you weren’t there.

PETER PAN

I can't wait for its showing! This little girl has been waiting for it since I caught the trailer several months ago. Peter Pan is one of my favorite fictional characters of all time. Maybe because the few memories I have of Davao, I remember playing Wendy in my pre-school.

And the starting sentence of the book, "All children, but one, grow up..." Well, JM Barrie might be wrong with that. Make that two. I sincerely think I'm Peter Pan's lost sister. Or maybe I am Tinkerbell's twin. Identity crisis.

Got this song from Tristan. Very nice. Wish I heard the song, but the words are apt enough to speak loads.

When I Was A Boy
Dar Williams
I won't forget when Peter Pan came to my house, took my hand
I said I was a boy; I'm glad he didn't check.
I learned to fly, I learned to fight
I lived a whole life in one night
We saved each other's lives out on the pirate's deck.
And I remember that night
When I'm leaving a late night with some friends
And I hear somebody tell me it's not safe, someone should help me
I need to find a nice man to walk me home.
When I was a boy, I scared the pants off of my mom,
Climbed what I could climb upon
And I don't know how I survived,
I guess I knew the tricks that all boys knew.
And you can walk me home, but I was a boy, too.
I was a kid that you would like, just a small boy on her bike
Riding topless, yeah, I never cared who saw.
My neighbor come outside to say, "Get your shirt,"
I said "No way, it's the last time I'm not breaking any law."
And now I'm in a clothing store, and the sign says less is more
More that's tight means more to see, more for them, not more for me
That can't help me climb a tree in ten seconds flat
When I was a boy, see that picture? That was me
Grass-stained shirt and dusty knees
And I know things have gotta change,
They got pills to sell, they've got implants to put in, they've got implants to remove
But I am not forgetting
That I was a boy too
And like the woods where I would creep, it's a secret I can keep
Except when I'm tired, except when I'm being caught off guard
I've had a lonesome awful day, the conversation finds its way
To catching fire-flies out in the backyard.
And I tell the man I'm with about the other life I lived
And I say now you're top gun, I have lost and you have won
And he says, "Oh no, no, can't you see
When I was a girl, my mom and I we always talked
And I picked flowers everywhere that I walked.
And I could always cry, now even when I'm alone I seldom do
And I have lost some kindness
But I was a girl too.
And you were just like me, and I was just like you.

I'm in Dipolog right now.

I like the energy of the place. Reminds me somewhat of a more progressive Calapan City. The roads of Dipolog from Ozamis were lined with gmelina trees, so they arched over our bus. With the right amount of shade and sunshine, it was a relatively fun trip.

Local campaign have also started. Parades have begun, with waving candidates as the star of the show.

If the national campaign is a contest of mud-slinging, name-calling and history-digging, local campaign is more telenovela. It is like battling for your territory, a min-war of clans. They are also more prone to violence, too. Cheating is more likely to occur in terms of vote-buying I think. Given that they can concentrate efforts.

When I was in Tandag two weeks ago, one mediaman has already been shot dead. And while we were on the bus, they do tread dangerously as they keep slinging cheap shots at the mayor.

I am glad that my trip will be almost over and that I do not have to worry about these little rallies and parades where riots between supporters can ensue. good luck, philippines!

Wrote something in my journal kanina na titled "Rockstar Congeniality." I knew it word for word without having to copy it from my notebook. But due to interesting turn of events, I could only remember the first paragraph. I'll read it again later. Pero I still believe in what I said in my entry. Except I just don't remember the words I used.

*****

Yesterday, meeting with the Lumads and priests in Lourdes, Pagadian City was an interesting experience. I have been doing it for several weeks already but it is always a pleasure when the Lumads are excited with the prospect of learning. They were doing pledges of not asking the kids to do chores during school time once the school is set.

Though it was quite an ordeal getting there. We didn't have to walk thankfully. But the truck/elf that we rode got buried on soft ground twice. Awang-awa na ako sa pari na kasama ko. Who if I may digress had played a prank on me by introducing himself to be the priest's driver! I was so awed by the driver for being too involved with the priest's activities. Accidentally, I found out because of the sinking truck incident.

Anyway, I have good vibes with this group and the one in Ozamis (Fr. Brendan Kelly).

I was going to rant also about this other priest who lacks the initiative these others have. But next time na lang kasi I spent my time chatting with a friend. Talking about musikerong pinoys. *silly grin*

ANOTHER DISCUSSION WITH MOM

My mom is honestly worried about my work. Yesterday she asked me, "hanggang kelan mo ba gagawin iyan?"

And knowing what would make my mom at peace with my work, I answered, "hanggang kelan ako kelangan ng Diyos na gawin ito."

Then I went on and said, "Dapat isipin mo na suwerte ka sa anak mo dahil hindi basta-basta binibigay ang ganitong trabaho kung kani-kanino lang."

She agreed to that. Thank God.

And somehow I believe what I said. I do not think it is because of my intelligence or brilliance I have been "chosen." I am neither. But I think I have been chosen because I am willing. And remain so. THough I do not think I am willing to do this forever.

DISCUSSIONS WITH MOM

I left my WITCH magazine lying around in my mom's room this morning. Then my mom went into this "you shouldn't be reading stuff like that" spiel.
I go, "25 na ako. Alam ko na ang binabasa ko."
"Di mo alam ang lahat."
"Alam ko, pero tiningnan mo na ba ang laman niyan?"
"Di na kailangan. WITCH ang title."
"Tingnan mo kasi."
"Sabihin mo na lang."
"Fantasy yan."
"Pero dapat di ka nagbabasa ng ganyan."

Then she goes into this tirade about Harry Potter being not good and all. Because it contains sorcery. All because a visionary from her charismatic group said so.

Now, Harry Potter being satanic and bad is a sensitive issue with me. Because for every point that somebody tells be HP is bad, I can bat a Christian and even Christological argument.

I told her to read it. And I also went into this argument that "Cinderella" also had a witch in the story. She read it to me when I was young.

And honestly, I think the values of the Disney Cinderella (which is more famous than the Hans Christian Andersen one) are worse than what they think the evils of Harry Potter are. Cinderella tells the young lady to live her life waiting for a Prince Charming to come. To primp and prime the self for the eventual arrival of a man to sweep us off our feet. Euw.

I will not argue the values of Harry Potter (though I may have a problem defending Artemis Fowl) unless I have to. But I will give my two cents rebuttal to people who are against it.

So parents:
READ THE BOOKS YOUR CHILDREN READ. Especially if you are worried about it. Banning those books would only create more interest and force them to read it on their own and unsupervised. If you read the books they read, you can intelligently guide your children to values you want them to learn. Besides teaching your child to read beyond the surface level, you also create bonding time with them.

Saying that Harry Potter per se is wrong is... well, wrong. Often the argument people have is rule-breaking. You can discuss with your child that rules are made as guidelines and as form of discipline. But there are times that the only way to do right is to break the rule (especially if the rule itself is questionable in the first place). You can then eventually work with your child on understanding what are the possible reasons that rules can be broken. Stuff like that.

Parental guidance is reading, I think, is as important with their watching television.

DAVAO-CDO

I have transferred to three computers in this internet cafe. It seems that the internet is not feeling particularly friendly with me right now. Oh well. At least not it seems to be cooperating.

The usual trip from Davao to Cagayan de Oro usually takes six hours. But the bus I rode was quite slow and had frequent stops so it took us seven and a half hours. Then the hotel I was going to stay in was worse than the last one I stayed in. When I get back, I'm going to stay in that nice one across Vienna Kaffeehaus. Even if I have to pay 60 bucks extra.

Bukidnon once again captivates me. Summer is supposed to start but the weather was quite cool (rain seems to be on the way), much like Baguio. Most of the time, there is a veil of fog that envelops the province. And that is the way I like Bukidnon. Wettish from the thin clouds. The promise of new life.

Most of the places I have been to closely resemble Bukidnon. Yet Bukidnon takes the cake. Must be the sentimental value of it. I do not know. Living there for one year, spending weekends in Valencia... Passing those mountain ranges almost every week... it has to feel somewhat like home.

ON WAR AND WIVES

One of the movies shown on the bus was "We Were Soldiers" by Mel Gibson (of whose "The Passion of the Christ" I am looking forward to see. I didn't really get into the movie but I had seen enough to feel that women who fall in love and marry soldiers are as brave as their men.

I, for one, do not want to live with the everyday paranoia of thinking what will happen to my husband everytime he is on field. It takes much courage for a woman to say "yes" to a life full of uncertainties and fear. To fret every letter that comes at your doorstep and breathe a sigh of relief after finding out the husband is okay. Or a wail of despair for bad news.

And war... I don't think there will come a time when I think it can ever be justified. If only people were as conscious of their responsibilities to their country as much as it they are for their family... much hatred and anger and angst can be spared. If only people realize the interconnectivity of people.... If only, if only, if only.

Well... I am fighting my own war. Not with guns and ammo... but with heart and soul.

Belated Friday Five, borrowed from Toni who borrowed it from someone else. :D

If you:
1. ...owned a restaurant, what kind of food would you serve?
seafood menu, if you please. i love seafood. hmm... parang gusto ko ng lato(grapelike seaweed) tuloy.

2. ...owned a small store, what kind of merchandise would you sell?
Used books. And a corner for storytelling every 4pm.

3. ...wrote a book, what genre would it be?
either travel (so that would be non-fiction) or fantasy (about cats and stars and little boys looking for adventure)

4. ...ran a school, what would you teach?
Filipino literature. Napakaganda ng wikang Filipino.

5. ...recorded an album, what kind of music would be on it?
Easy listening. Norah Jones-ish. That is, if I had her voice! - agree with Toni.

Arrived here in Davao from CDO 3AM. I'm leaving for CDO again tomorrow at around 10AM. Been battling with myself whether I should go back here or just stay in Cagayan for the two days window break between field work. The six hour CDO-Davao trip ain't no joke if one is quite tired. Going home to Davao won out. I needed something familiar and comforting at this moment.

The last four days in the area has been a roller coaster of emotional maturity. Sometimes I had to act 30, sometimes I had to act my age (25) and sometimes I unintentionally acted 20 (not that there is much diff between the three, really). All I know is I haven't felt comfortable in days already. Not even when I was staying in the hotel (which I think had surot in their sheets).

Or it might just really be the stress of everything that is kinda bumming me out. Or maybe this crazy phase I have been having lately. Found myself an Ashley Wilkes (from "Gone with the Wind")... and trying so hard to make him into Rhett Buttler. Though hearing a "frankly my dear I don't give a damn" is ringing in my ears right now.

Oh well, that is me. The girl in love with fantasies.

What crap am I talking about again? I really need to hit the beach!

(Though taking a ten-minute dip in that beautiful river in Ozamis was a welcome break from all the walking. Hopefully the pictures comes out fine. I can show it to you. )

Because I was bored and/or tired.

Di pa din ako nakatulog ng maayos. Slept at 2. Woke up at 7. Still couldn't sleep. But my eyes remain heavy. I'll try to nap this lunch.

Mamayang hapon mukhang balik internet ako. Nothing else to do. Bagamat gusto ko manuod ng Otso-otso. Vhong idol. hahaha!

Di pa rin ako inaantok. Waaaaaaaah!

BEACH

During the Holy Week, I will go island hopping in Dumaguete, Bais and Siquijor. It was a toss up between climbing Mt. Apo and hitting the beach. I chose the beach. If I combine the miles I have and will have walked this month, it will be probably cover most of Apo.

MY FAVORITE BEACHES

I just came from Puerto Galera three weeks ago. But I miss it already. Had this last song syndrome. Kept singing, "under the reggae moon... hating gabi ay ang hating gabi..." with an image of shaded Dino C gyrating with the mic stand in his baby tee shirt in 70's Bistro (miss ko ang 70's!).

During my volunteer year, I spent almost every weekend in Sabang, Puerto Galera. Because we did a documentary of the state of the beach due to the influx of tourism. It was only during the time that I was in advertising that I was able to go to White Beach.

Then my love affair with it began when Tatit needed to get away from the city and needed a partner-in-crime. Of which I was just glad to volunteer. I love White Beach. For the henna tattoos, the hair wrap, the friendship bracelets... For the affordable massage, the balance of quiet and fun. For its closeness to Manila. For its affordability. For the memories.

And then there is SUQUI beach. My thinking beach in Calapan City. Where I would bike to whenever I needed to do soul searching. Walks with my seminarian-students. Bathing with my partners. Forcing our dog to take a bath. Even dipping with my ex.

The best thing about Suqui, I can always go alone. Just to sit down, stare and enjoy the breeze. Mas miss ko ang Suqui... I haven't been there since last June. Miss ko na ang pakikipagtalik ng hangin sa dagat duon.

Mindoro, my home... kelan kaya tayo magkikita. Miss na kita. Miss ko na kung paano mo buhayin muli ang puso ko.

gusto ko sumigaw!!!

ROSING

Just had a rare exchange of affection with one of my JVP partners, Q. We both remembered Rosing today. Rosing... one of the best people anyone can ever know. A woman who can embrace you without having to touch you. Her look, her touch would let you know that she means it when she is there, that she feels your pain... I miss Rosing. But her place is where she is right now.

KRISTO

During the four days that I have been hiking, climbing, slipping and sliding on different mountains, I have been in constant prayer. To not lose sight of the reason why I am there. I have been so nailed to hitting my KRA (key result areas), that I have failed to see the true reason why I have been given this work. I had to constantly ask God to remind me that I am doing this in service of Him. That it is not solely for the adventure my care-free, or more appropriately careless spirit constatly yearns for.

It is for His people who are in need. It is for Him who I follow the lead. I have been lost the past four days. A bit of me feels shamed. A bit of me acknowledges I am human. But I hope I constantly remember.

CHRIST. CHRIST. CHRIST. In the emptiness of my bedside, you can enter every crevice and nook of my broken and re-pieced heart. Everytime I remember and feel that, I shall experience true joy.

His faith in me is steadfast even if mine is not. He loves me constantly, even if at times I seek to love others more.

Kristo ng buhay ko. Miss na kita.

STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS TWO

I feel one with the cosmos. It is as if I can feel the planets and the stars move. Outside of me. Inside of me. Changes unseen. Changes felt. Changes unknown. Will I discover it soon enough?

And let's not think about that time of the month because I just had it.

THE MOON. I love it. Especially when it is full and when it is just a crescent. Lovely, lovely phase.

Yes... I can feel the energies slowly dissipating. And soon I can sleep in peace.

And yes... again I feel the emptiness of my side. Must be the twenty-fiver phase. Most of my friends have gone through their quarter life crisis. I am going through it now. It will be over in a few months.

STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS

Let it flow. Let the thoughts and the feeling get out. All that has been supressed for the last four days, get out and free yourselves.

Walking through one of the mountains, I kept thinking about valkyries and Danielle Moonstar and comics. Must be because of the Asgardian Wars cross over, where Dani first became a valkyrie. She was chosen by Brightwind, a winged horse. Thus becoming a maiden of Odin, carrying the noble spirits of warriors to the halls of Valhalla.

I wonder what Cheyenne name would be good for me. And since there are no winged horses that shows itself nowadays, I will content myself with a Valkyrie motorcycle. I would be Rainrider. My bike would be Rain?

Peter Pan will be showing soon. I'm excited. Peter Pan is one of my favorite fictional characters of all time, together with Jo March. These two have somehow maneouvered me to be the person that I am. I am Peter Pan. The eternal child. Childish? Childlike? I do not know. But my heart is young. And maybe someday I will believe that a thimble is a kiss. The same way that I believe that dragons and fairies exist (I honestly sincerely believe they do, except the world has stopped believing in them... there are just too many stories from all over the world which points that there must be a basis for myths and legends of sorts).

I've always wanted to be a ninja since I was small. And I still do. But some dreams just need to wait. So I will just have to satisfy myself with kung-fu movies.

Alas diyes nang dumating ako dito sa Cagayan de Oro mula Ozamis. Hindi ko maunawaan kung bakit ang haba ng biyahe. Ang dapat na tatlong oras lang ay naging lima.

Dali-dalian akong naligo. At pagkatapos ay naghanap ng pagkain. Katulad nuong volunteer year ko, sa McDonald's din ako bumagsak. Bumili ng cheeseburger meal at sundae, pero hindi ko pa kinakain iyong cheeseburger. Fries lang talaga ang habol ko. Pero alam ko na kailangang kumain.

Pagod na pagod na ang katawan ko. Ramdam ko ang pananakit ng mga kalamnan. Likod. Hita. Balikat. Mabigat na ang aking mata, nagsusumigaw ng tulog pero masyadong malikot ang isip ko. Ganyan talaga ang sakit ko kapag pauwi na ang biyahe, patuloy ang pagdaloy ng kamalayan. Kahit pilit mo siyang patulugin, lalo lamang lumilikot.

Gusto ko na matulog. Ipahinga ang sarili. Pero kung hindi ko ipupurga ang mga nasa isip ko... gising lang din ako buong gabi.

Sana may kausap ako ngayon... pero wala. Kaya internet na lang.

Sige, tatapusin ko na ang kahibangan ko. Uli. Hahaha!

But I love moments. Memories that make you laugh and see how funny and amusing life can be.

Life lived without expectations makes it a whole let better and less painful.

The conclusion to all this: c'est la vie.

Happy pa din. The world is a lovely place. Let not disappointments linger to mar its beauty.

Actually, I feel happier now.

Nature has made love to me for the last four days... the ache, the pain... it is all because of love.

Oh... masaya pa rin ako kahit ganito. Mahirap lang i-express kasi kapooooy!

Pagod na pagod na pagod na ang katawan ko.
The last four days, I have been going up and down mountains, rivers, hills, farmlands...
I am aching in every bit and inch of my body.
I want to sleep.

Kahit utak ko hindi makagana para makapagkuwento ng maganda at di magandang karanasan.

Tatit, wala iyong hinihintay ko. Walang energizer. Oh well. Gaya nga ng sabi natin, assume nothing, enjoy everything. But thanks for the links you sent me.

Okay I ask forgiveness for the mushiness of the previous entry. I know it's icky. I cringe looking at it. But I will not take it back. This time I will be defiant in trying to repress a happy feeling. Though there is no excuse for being sappy.

Prattle, prattle, prattle. I can't stop talking... er, writing.

For the last two days, I have had a combined sleep of six hours, with three hours being the longest. My head hurts. Adrenaline rush. Endorphine running. Seems to be a very intoxicating combination. It borders on the i like and dont like feeling.

Lunch.

Masarap ngumiti.
Lalo na kung damang-dama mo sa puso.
At bagamat maaring panandalian lang ang ligaya,
masasabi mo na
"kahit sandali, lumigaya ako."

OZAMIS

I have always loved port cities. There is so much flurry of activities on land and on sea. Today is the first time I cross one town to another through a barge. Well, I have done a Batangas-Calapan route but this is different. The bus actually goes with you. But then we left the bus anyway.

I love ferries. I love boats. Even and sometimes, especially when the waves are strong. But fortunately for the others, the sea is quite calm right now.

There constantly moving sea encourages the mind to go with it... as if telling it that there is much to discover about the world. What you see right now is but a portion of a big big picture you will never be able to fully comprehend. Nonetheless, you can appreciate.

Ah... the world is beautiful. Sometimes lonely... but always beautiful.

ON GOING TO AFRICA

Many Filipinos are raring for the opportunity to go abroad to earn a living. I, on the other hand, used to desire going to Africa to help those people I see on TV during UNICEF and CARE commercials.

But then one conversation with Gary Granada has changed my outlook entirely, and probably the choices I have made in my life. He was talking about the brain drain the Philippines was experiencing. And how sad that is especially since those smart people are who we need right now to stay here and help the country.

That woke me up from my reverie to go to Africa and help those children. Images of the children I worked with when I was in high school and college in our outreach areas flashed in my mind. The farmers we did documentaries on when I was in Mindoro. The students I taught in Bukidnon.

These people need people to help them. I may not be that smart... but I knew I always had the heart for this thing. And if I let this heart work for another country, then I may be doing my own nation disservice. Not to say that those to leave are doing that... that is their call. But that conversation with Gary made me realize my own vocation.

"To go where you are most needed." One of the best things JVP taught me.

The Philippines needs me. I just hope I am doing it well.

I was supposed to talk about Araw ng Dabaw and the interesting turn of events. But a friend called and so I couldn't write it down anymore. Next time maybe or personal kuwento na lang.

But the bottomline is:
Assume Nothing. Enjoy Everything.
and
Mabuhay ang musikerong Pilipino.

See you around. Will be leaving for CDO in a while.

TO TANDAG (SURIGAO DEL SUR) AND BACK

Entry 1: March 10 past 6AM

I look past the lightly tinted bus windows and saw an amazing sunrise. As my bus made its way through the Surigao del Sur hi-way, the sun rose with such promise of beauty and wonder to anyone lucky enough to pay it attention.

I could imagine how much more beautiful the spectacle could have been if I were outside the bus.

The sea of rice grass was quiet, apparantly the wind was still and quiet. The silent patches of murky water pauddles were splotched with bits of red and orange, mirroring the sun's splendor.

The beach was turbulent, but probably calmer than most days. The colorful light danced playfully on the waves that bobbed up and down.

The coconuts made the sun blink as our bus sped through the road. As if winking naughtily.

Once I've had my fill, I close my eyes to sleep.

Entry 2: March 11, on the way to Km. 21 (the Lumad community)

We were on our way to the community I was going to assess.

But my mind was sipping in, then gulping down the view.

The highway was level twith the sea. The sun hung midway up the horizon. The waves curled like a playful tongue. Raging and racing to the shore.

The sun danced and tittered on the crests of the white caps. It created the illusiong that the sea was still. As id the waves were suspended in midmotion. Moving ever so slowly, frame by frame. If not for a white heron that flew across the scene, and the coconut trees strutting it leaves, you would think you were seeing a backdrop for a play about the countryside.

Entry 3: March 11, in the community

I made it! I wasn't able to count how many times we crossed the river, but they said it was 28 times. Woo-hoo! Mud, muck, quagmire, cow dung... we all went through that. 45 to 50 degree inclines of rotting leaves and branches, landslide, and fallen trees... we went through that too.

I love my boots. 75 peso-rain boots you can fold. It hurts to step on rocks, but I can endure as long as the mud doesn't enter my toenails. Imagine how much I have to spend on foot scrub! No need to do that so often now.

More than the three hour walk, my achievement was doing the three hour walk carrying my backpack. First time! Somebody always brings it for me. This time, no one bothered because everybody was wearing an equally heavy load! I made it. I'm alive. With a back pain and neck ache. But hey, I made it.

The community asks if we can help them. In my mind, of course we can! You are worth it! You see they prepared the school before they asked for help. And that is the only thing we need from them to make their approval faster. But of course, I said the proposal has to go through the process first. It will. But I say KM 21 is a shoo-in.

Damn! I have to walk another three hours again tomorrow.

Entry 3: 12 March, on the way down

My whole body hurts. I have dysmenorrhea (talk about perfect timing!). My knees are shaking from the downhill walk. My back hurts from my bag. My toenail hurts. Everything. I want to jump in the middle of the river and just enjoy a dip. But they all want to go home. Hay. I can't believe I am doing this for a living. But hey... I love it when I'm on a bed.

*****

Shit! Nine hours on a non-aircon bus. Torture on my butt! But I want to go home as soon as I can. No way will I stay another day. I need to procure some stuff because I will be doing this for another three weeks.

Oh well. Will get home at 2 AM.

*****

Got home at 1:30. Grimy, dirty and need CR bad.

I'm alive. Thank you, Lord.

I have a new computer! Yehey! With MP3 and CD-writer and all the perks. Except for a new monitor, printer and scanner. But at least, I'm not running on 7 years ago speed anymore.

But I won't be able to use it for the next three weeks because I will be gone.

I shall go tonight to Tandag, Surigao del Sur. And I still haven't packed! I'm still here in SM! After tandag, then Ozamis, then Cagayan de Oro, then Agusan del Sur, then Pagadian. Whew! I do have one day rest in between weeks but this is a major production. I hope my physical and emotional self is up to it. Though honestly, I'm kinda mentally and emotinally apprehensive about the whole thing.

Wish me luck. I need to look for 19 communities to sponsor and approve by May. Ack!

Last week, I bought a shirt at the kids' section. Last Saturday, I bought cropped pants at the pre-teens' section. So cool! I couldn't find cropped pants that I liked in the ladies' section. Either they were too expensive or too fancy (with buttons, frills, lace, trimmings... name it) for my taste. So I took a look at the pre-teens section and found one to my liking. It was a bit loose at the waist, but the rest of the fit was fine. So I bought it for P240!

* * * * *

I just got a call from the person we are helping. They are already in the hospital. Umiinit na ang ulo ko! They never listen to my instructions. I told them I will text them today when they can come to the hospital after I talk to the director. But no, they went there on their own and call me that they are there. This is the umpteenth time they did not follow instructions. Argh. I have been praying for patience for the last four days. I hope it stays with me. Hay.

RELAXING SATURDAY

* I woke up needing to dance. So after I munched on my almond nut clusters, I went to my room and put on my R&B CDs and danced like crazy. Felt great.

* Didn't go to work. I was ready by quarter ten (very late because of the dancing I had to do!) but the phone lines for the cab requests were all busy. After an hour, I finally got a taxi. But my boss let me off for the day, since he was going home by ten and since I stayed late in the office the night before. So to SM I went.

* Watched "Runaway Jury." 'Twas cool. Entertaining. Interesting conspiracies. Orlando Jones did a cameo. I think one of the head of the gun company was also the lawyer in Erin Brockovich. The actor who played Sen. Robert Kelly in the X-Men was also there. Gene Hackman, Dustin Hoffman, John Cusack (Love you!), Rachel Weisz and Jeremy Piven... a pretty high-profile cast.

* I have been having the impulse to just buy anything. But I have been fighting it well. Though once I withdraw, I might end up buying a bag from Penshoppe.

* This has nothing to do with my Saturday, but I really want to buy that swimsuit from NafNaf. Unfortunately there ain't no NafNaf here.

* I want to buy those brown Hush Puppies (not Hash browns, Bunny) boots! which will go well with my outfit right now. But well. I won't. Maybe I'll buy a bean bag or a cabinet instead. Har.

My brother is the sweetest thing. He scanned my article on Youngblood yesterday and sent it through e-mail to his friends. I am deeply touched.

I also received texts from people I did not expect. More than the congratulations it was how it made some JVPs remember their own learnings and joys as a former Jesuit Volunteer. I guess, the article got printed at the right time -- when people needed to reminded. :)

By the way, it's Kaamulan Festival tomorrow. I'm sure my former students will be there to watch the street dancing. I want to go but can't. Huhu!

I'm off to the hospital again.

I am trying my very best to be patient with the person I am helping. This is very un-Christian of me to feel, but very human nonetheless. But I am feeling a bit irritated at the lack of gratefulness of the person. Well, it's not even that. I just want a little sensitivity on their part to think that it WAS NOT and STILL NOT our obligation to do this for them. That I AM NOT REQUIRED to be with them 24 hours a day to help them with the little details like buying medicine and coordinating with the doctor. That when I ask them to call me when there is a problem, TO CALL ME and not wait for me to call them.

I feel a bit guilty because it might just be the way the speak, the way their culture is. And I am getting affected by it. Or it maybe they really do not know what to do. I promise I am trying my best to keep my temper and do as much as I can. Though honestly, I have no idea what it is to expect from the hospital and DOH. I am doing my best to be patient with their demands. Though there have been instances that my sarcasm escapes.

I am so sorry.

Sigh.

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE OF THINGS

When Tatit arrived from Manila, she had pasalubong for me. It was the most amusing thing in the world, a 50-peso Jeffrey Hidalgo CD (must be an old stock they are trying to get rid off.). It being 50 bucks and it being a Jeffrey Hidalgo CD would have been funny enough. But the jacket was funnier. He was shirtless and he was biting a rose on the stem, mala-tango style. Funneeee!

I was laughing so hard. That was the guy I fell in deep crush with when I was 14 until I was 21. He just makes himself look stupid with those poses.

God. I question my taste in men.

Yesterday, I had to bring a one-year old Muslim child with hydrocephalus and ingroscrotinal hernia to the hospital. He was accompanied by his two grandmothers, his mother and a grandfather. Apparently, ADF can also help out when it comes to medical emergencies.

I DO NOT LIKE THE HOSPITAL. Never have. Never will.

I am extremely proud of my sister for being a doctor. And moreso, after my experience in the emergency room yesterday.

While trying to wait for my turn at the surgery section, other patients would approach the place where I was standing. There was a man with bleeding hands, a boy with bleeding hands, a kid with bleeding hands. My heart grew faint at the sight of blood. Then there were patients who were barfing all over the place. Patients moaning in pain. My own ward was crying weakly.

Even if the doctor was bitching a bit, I was trying my best to understand. He was tired. I was worried. His sarcasm would have been met with my own if not for the fact that I knew my sister went through the same thing and it is not easy.

I do not like the hospital. But I am thankful that there are still people who want to be doctors. And I do hope there are still nurses who are willing to stay in the Philippines to help our own people.

PUBLISHED

Have yet to check but got an e-mail from the Inquirer that I got published in Youngblood today. Cross fingers that its true. If not I could always delete this post. :p

EATING AND READING

The whole day yesterday I have been thinking of how to cook the carbonara for my friends who are coming over. Honestly, I was excited at the prospect of setting foot on the kitchen to cook. I know I love cooking except I'm lazy to do anything most of the time. Yesterday gave me a perfect reason to start over.

I left early for the office and stopped by the Caltex store to buy some mushrooms. Thank God there was some! It wouldn't feel complete without the mushrooms.

The moment I stepped in the house, I was in a flurry. Got all the stuff I bought, laid them all down and started chopping away. Sliced, diced, minced, chopped. Onion, garlic, parsley, bacon, mushroom.

Boiled the pasta. Then started on the sauce. I used butter instead of oil. I don't know which I should cook first but decided on the bacon. Jen arrived. So she joined me in the dirty kitchen. I was wondering how come the bacon took a long time to crisp. It took five minutes or so. But I was so happy when it started to. I don't know how to crisp bacon either. Threw in the garlic and the onions. After a while added everything else. The cream, the milk, some water, parsley, cheese, oregano. And stirred and simmered and stuff the sauce. The whole time I was wondering how come it wasn't thickening. Added more milk and butter hoping it would work. Didn't. I was about to give up when Tatit came along to save the day. Yey! Corn starch. And voila! The moment we added the thing, it thickened. How stupid of me! This was basic cooking. She did say that a ton of cheese would do the trick too. I was willing to forego the starch and use the cheese. Apparently, we did not have ton.

And there! The sauce was thick, the pasta ready.

We mixed the whole thing up. Added mushrooms and parsley for garnish.

Compliments were received. Carbonara decimated. I am proud for a first time carbonara cooker. :)

A round of applause to the guests, too. Who brought the stuff that complimented the main meal. Tats brought toasted bread, Jerry brought two liters of fresh juice (yum!) and Jen brought tarts for dessert. Meh-Anne was late but brought jolly herself along.

KIDS' BOOKS APPRECIATION NIGHT happened after. I trooped everybody to my room after we watched Star Circle Teen Quest then had them look around my books. Again, I am happy that the books were appreciated. Jerry oohed and aahed Neil Gaiman's "Wolves in the Wall." Tatit found joy in Ruel de Vera's "It's Our Time" compilation of the 2002 UAAP Championship. Jen liked "The Missing Piece Meets the Big O" by Shel Silverstein. Meh-Anne was both grossed out and amused by "Harlequin Valentine" again by Neil Gaiman (thanks Tris!)

I like it when people enjoy the books I have. :)

So right now, It's Our Time and Artemis Fowl 2 is with Tatit.
The Hobbit, graphic novel version, The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar (Roald Dahl), Coraline (Neil Gaiman) and The Missing Piece Meets the Big O is with Jen.

Gotta remember to get them back by next month. Hehehe!

READINGS

I told Bunny in her blog that I would start reading “The Talisman,” a Stephen King-Peter Straub collaboration. And also “Cloister Walk” by Kathleen Norris (a gift from Rowie three years ago, but I stopped by the eighth chapter). But then I just realized I’m not in the disposition to read them for now.

Instead, I’m re-reading “By The River Piedra, I Sat Down and Wept” by Paulo Coelho. I read it four years ago and didn’t like it. It wasn’t bad and was really on the way to being good. I just found the whole story too convenient and too cheesy. But Coelho has always bordered on the cheesy, especially since most of his novels deal with different experiences of love. I’m re-reading the book to find out if I still have the same opinion of the story.

I WONDER WHY

For the past days, I have been getting eight to nine hours of sleep. I sleep at 11 (after watching “That’s So Raven” and “Lizzie Maguire”) and wake up at seven in the morning. But I still feel tired and sleepy the whole day, and quite absent-minded about many things.

Plus, I always want to eat and eat and eat and eat. Been bingeing so much. Right now, I’m craving for green mangoes with bagoong or suka, toyo and salt. Yum. *salivating*

WHAT’S COOKING

For the first time in quite a long time, maybe since my volunteer year, I will be cooking.

Why have I not cooked in a long time? I don’t know. Maybe because when I cook at home, it’s with my dad. I’m his official taster (which is funny because I’m not very good at tasting food, but then that’s just his lambing.) and food chopper. So it hasn’t been that fun since then.

Also, I am very “maarte” when it comes to cooking. Unlike others who are improvisational cooks, meaning they can cook whatever is in the ref, I like to have my ingredients complete (just like my dad).

Last Sunday I invited Jen (a Batch 22 JVP) to have a sort of Kids’ Books Appreciation Night at my house (a fancy way of saying take a look at my kids books and you can borrow some). She jokingly asked if I was going to cook. I don’t know what came into me, but I said sure. She asked if I knew how to cook pasta. Funny thing is I don’t. The only recipes I know are mine, corn soup, buttered vegetables, roast chicken, pokstik tagalog (as opposed to bistek tagalog) and adobong batong (string beans). But then I decided to take on the challenge of cooking pasta.

So tonight, I’m cooking carbonara. I surfed the net for recipes and seeing some adjustments need to be done, I’m going to cook it my way. Even if I haven’t cooked the recipe ever. Last Monday, I bought the ingredients. I can’t believe that SM Supermarket does not have canned button mushrooms in their shelves! Though mushrooms aren’t really part of the recipe, I wanted to include it. Plus, they only have the largest size of parmesan cheese! Kainis! So I had to make do with cheddar. I pray to God it turns out well. Honestly, I am excited at the idea of cooking for people.

Maybe I should prepare tuyo as back up. What do you think? :p

MORE MILAN

I forgot to say that I was extremely distracted by Claudine Baretto's breasts. For a woman of small frame, those breasts are too much. I could gag on them. She should have had smaller implants.

Anyway... watching Chasing Liberty and Milan... my wistful dream to backpack around Europe is sparked once more. I have always loved the image of Italy and Spain and rural France (for some reason, Paris does not appeal much to me except to have a picture by the Eiffel Tower and Arc d' Triumphe). Whether alone or with someone, it will always be something I dream to do though like many things I am open to the possibility of it not happening.

MILAN

Piolo.

He would have been enough to draw me to the movie.

But then I have been impressed with many Olivia Lamasan works in the past, so I know there is a good story somewhere. And the reviews have been good to Milan, including those of my critical friends.

Last week alone, I attempted to watch the movie twice, but for one reason or another my mom calls on me to do something with her. And trying to be a good daughter, I let go of Milan.

Finally, I got to watch it yesterday. It IS good. Though it felt long. But there were more interesting things going on than just Jenny and Lino's love story. Issues of loneliness and difficulties in life of a OFW were tackled, and it involved other characters as well. I was particularly drawn to the story of Vangie and her lover. If we talk morals, what happened was wrong. But then it was a situation you can not really judge in black and white. Gray was all over.

But, Piolo. He made it all the more worth while. Hehehe! Even if he is gay.

Anyway, I am very happy with the improvement of Philippine movies. More and more film makers are venturing into the international market. They are saying we are doing quite well. That is good to hear. At the same time, the stories are getting to be meatier. If not, at the very least, it is getting fast-paced and easier to absorb.

Hmm... it seems that "Deenie", a Judy Blume book is being made into a movie. .

Judy Blume was my favorite writer of all time from ten to eighteen. My favorites among her books were "Tiger Eyes," "Starring Sally J. Freedman as Herself," and the Fudge series (Tales of the Fourth Grade Nothing, Superfudge and Fudge-A-Mania).

Charlize Theron won the Oscar for best actress according to E! There is something with Monsters, huh? As last year Halle Berry won for Monster's Ball. How come Boo didn't even get a nomination for Monsters, Inc?

And Charlize may get to be Aeon Flux. Cool.

In the meantime,

*congratulations, peter jackson and Lord of the Rings!!!*

Best Director and Best Picture, babeh!

And so many, many, many more. Wonderful! Three years of hardwork. Finally, the appropriate recognition is given.

Woo-hoo!

uhm...

I feel "homeless" right now. After this particular Manila break, if anybody asked me which place do you consider home, I wouldn't know what to answer. When I was in Manila, I used to answer Mindoro. And though I still miss Mindoro occasionally, my love story with my area has been in hiatus. I don't know when we will get to have a meaningful get together. Though I am getting used to the rhythm and pace of Davao, I just realized this morning that it could get pretty lonely after a while.

ewan. been just out of it really. kailangan lang sigurong mag re-entry muna dito.