Belated Happy Easter!

Last Ash Wednesday, I was quite cryptic about what I was abstaining from. For some people, it may not be something major but for me the last 40 days has been a test of will power. It was no joke abstaining from Coke and coffee.

Coke has been part of my system since I was a kid. My dad worked for Coca-Cola and would often bring cases of Coke in cans home. I drank more of it than I did water. When I got older, after discovering it often goes to waist, I limited my intake. But still I loved the way Coke slid down my throat especially after every field work. I loved the way the cold bottle or glass goes all sweaty as it fights the surrounding room temperature. I loved the way I involuntary do a silent aaaaah after every gulp. I loved the way I’d burp and taste the flavor all over again (gross, I know, but heck I love it.)

Coffee, on the other hand, was acquired taste for me. I tried avoiding it as much as possible because it always felt like an adult drink for me (more than alcohol). Returning from JVP years, Starbucks felt like the ultimate social sin then. But with the constant invitation from friends to meet there, I’ve begun to enjoy coffee. Both the taste and the intimacy in conversation that goes with it. Though I still find 65 peso hot coffee ridiculously high in price, I take into consideration that I am paying for a place to spend quality time with friends, not the coffee (therefore, as much as possible, I don’t have to-go coffee.) At work, I drink coffee around 2 in the afternoon just to give myself a jolt for the remainder of the day. During the time I was abstaining, tea couldn’t quite deliver my work needs as much as coffee does.

Though abstaining from coffee and Coke will never ever measure up to the ultimate sacrifice Jesus has given us, I have somehow come to an idea how difficult a conscious sacrifice was. His 40 days and 40 nights up the mountain without anything and the temptation of the devil… those were things a man can be challenged to do. And damn temptation! Coffee and coke ads were all over the place. As a “guest of honor”, I would be offered in field work cold Coke after a long walk or coffee for a good morning jolt. It was tough having to make do with water at room temperature, but I wanted to do something serious for Lent just for once.

And Easter felt wonderful! When I opened that bottle of Coke (which unfortunately was nearing it’s best before date and didn’t taste as good as new Coke), I really felt like toasting the Risen Christ. Maybe it felt like a sort of understanding with Him. Something like, “Lord, we went through something together! I share your Resurrection!”

I was telling Jerry at the beginning of Lent why I was doing this. One, it was my thanksgiving for the many good things that have been happening lately. Though I know that God would not have required me to do what I did, I did it to show my appreciation. But then, if I faltered, I knew God would forgive me anyway. So I needed another motivation. The forty days then, I decided, would be an offering to two good friends. For her, an ardent wish for her own Easter and for him, a willingness to make sacrifices when necessary to make things work. If I failed to fulfill the 40 days, I’d have failed these people as well. And so these two people I should thank for helping me overcome this test of will power. This is the first time I actually succeeded in a resolution. It feels real good. :)

So Happy Easter once more. Let us continue to celebrate our own lives passion, death and resurrection.

****

REVERSE HOLY WEEK

My body hurts all over. Easter actually came before Good Friday for me. Here’s a quick rundown of the last three days for me.

MONDAY
1230 AM.
Ride bus to Tandag, Surigao del Sur. Trouble with the bus so had to wait till 210AM before the driver and conductor decided we transfer bus (why did it take them 2 hours to figure that out! Dang)
210 AM
Finally departed Davao
630AM
Just halfway to where I was supposed to go. Head keeps bumping against the window so I have bukol.
11AM
Finally arrive in Tandag. Priest eager to go up the mountain already.
1230 PM
Drive to the barangay where we shall start going up the mountain. (Take note I have not had a decent sleep because I was in transit the whole night)
2PM
We start ascent to the Lumad community. First hour, I am already in a bad mood because we walked through muddy ricefields. Slippers are already slippery.
3PM
At first hour, I am already in a very bad mood. Irritable and making up a resignation letter as we walk up. I was actually wanting to go back and not continue the climb. First time I felt like this.
330PM
Somebody actually finally lent me rain boots and got me a staff to aid me in walking up. Finally. What took them so long to figure out I was having a hard time. The mud was terrible. It varied in consistency, FROM MELTED CHOCOLATE TO DIARRHEA.
530PM
Finally got to the area. Wasn’t talking to anybody lest I shout at anyone who even dares prod me to speak and go cussing. Thank God there was a bit of signal. Fudge it there was no CR, not even a plokan. Choose your own ground pa din. Dangit.
600PM
Walked 50 meters to piss at the back of a giant tree stump. Fudge it. Last day of my period. No place to take a bath.
615PM
Dinner. Fried fish, dried fish and bagoong. I would have loved the food except there is no place to piss so I don’t want too salty food. Do I have a choice? Damn shit I don’t
730PM
Good-night piss by the tree stump again. When I was done, while walking back I SAW A SNAKE COMING FROM THE AREA WHERE I TOOK A PISS. Could I have bothered it? Thank God it didn’t bite me in the butt. But it didn’t look poisonous. Still, thank God for small things. But then Tatit said, it was not a small thing. So thank God my butt didn’t get bit.
8PM
Good night. Plugged my ears with tissue paper because I was afraid a roach might creep into it since I found one creeping out of the banig as I unraveled it.

TUESDAY
530AM
Good morning. Need to piss. Have to hold. Too much daylight. I will be seen.
630 AM
Breakfast. Fried fish. Dried fish and bagoong. Dang. Salty food. Maybe I shouldn’t recommend this school. Dang.
8 – 11AM
Classroom observation. Smart kids, at least. The teacher needs to learn to choose her lessons though. How the hell do you teach Lumad children about space ships when they haven’t seen a real ship nor a plane in the first place? (oh, took a piss somewhere in between)
1130AM
Lunch. Guess what? Same as dinner and breakfast. My poor bladder.
1230 PM
Walk down. Not as bad as yesterday since I started off wearing the boots and had a staff at the beginning. Mood not too foul but it was still gross seeing mud looking like diarrhea. Had a lot of rest stops. Had to make two return phone calls. Looked like a Globe commercial, all muddied and haggard while calling my sister and tatit about my bora plans. Oooh. Sosy.
430PM
Done with our walk. Woohoo.
530 PM
Got back to the parish. Finally can take a bath.
6PM
Done. I smell good. Feeling better. Early dinner.
630PM
Ride bus back to Davao (what no rest?! Really want to go home na!). Cutting trip.
630-1130PM
Bakit ang dami-daming stop-over ng punyemas na bus na ito!
1130 PM
Finally arrive at the busy terminal where I can change buses.
12MN
Aircon bus to Davao. Yey!
130AM
Finally got back to sleep.
2-6AM
In and out of sleep, changing position every so often
6AM
Davao. Home. Yey. Tired.
630 AM
breakfast. Then zzzzzzz……..

Paksyet. Ginawa kong isang araw ang tatlo. Kapoy, uy!

Just wasting the last minutes of my hour here in the internet.

Two more days and it's Easter. Can't wait. Will tell you about it as soon the Holy Week is over. The temptation to give in gets stronger as the days go by. But two days na lang, two days na lang.

I'm in physical pain. Need to go home soon. Grmph.

Amazing to find an open internet shop at this day of the year.

ERRAND DAY

I had two goals for today.
1. Get my passport processed. (First time to attempt all these 26 years)
2. Have my digital SSS ID processed.

The morning had me rushing off to the DFA with my birth certifate and my 2003 ITR (since our 2004 ITR has still not been done). I left my form with the guard which marked the paper with a 92. So as not to waste time, I decided to go ahead to SSS. Je, who I was supposed to meet at the DFA, I texted to meet in SSS. Lucky stars, we bumped into each other as I was looking for a ride for Bajada.

And so as we caught up for the last two weeks we haven't seen each other, we almost missed the SSS office. Marching on the building, we were greeted with the sign saying OFF-LINE. Argh. Still? Last Friday I went and it was off-line. Dang!

Back we went to DFA. The gods were kind since I was ready to go inside the air-con room for processing. When I checked the first number in the line it was 76. Ngerk. 16 people. Still, not bad. So we sat on the green chairs, moving from one to another as each person went on ahead to the counter.

About two people before me, a major rigodon from people whose numbers were before the present number being serviced (89). So there was a rearrangement and I needed to wait for another five people before it was my turn. Oh well. Buti na lang andyan si Je.

When my turn came, they wouldn't accept my papers. Kulang. Argh! Why then is it written at the back that the ITR could be another document that can be used for processing. The girl, though not quite bitchy, was not very accomodating as well. Having my hour wasted, I wasn't in the mood to be congenial. What the fuck is wrong with Davao DFA! They don't have any personnel who can entertain people who have questions. Neither is it posted anywhere in the place where one can get to see what are the documents that can be used for passport processing. The non-bitch lady then irritably asked me to get my baptismal certificate and a voter's affidavit. Voter's affidavit? Why can't it be an NBI clearance? Why can't it be a driver's license? Why can't it be an updated ITR? It's all at the back of the passport application form. I told her I can't have a voter's affidavit because I'm registered in Manila. She said they can't process it if I'm from Manila. Then I had to tell her that I already transferred to Davao. She said I need a voter's affidavit. The person beside me said COMELEC. I asked the non-bitch where COMELEC is. She said I should know where to get there. I said that was why I was asking. At the end of that conversation, I think of her as a bitch already. And with all the stress, so was I.

So I asked Jerry if he can go with me to get my baptismal certificate in Sta. Ana Church. We did. Got there. Gave all the information needed and waited. And the bald guy in salmon shirt went to the records section to look for it. After 30 minutes, I wasn't baptized there. Huh? I know I was baptized there. Called my mom. Confirmed. I was baptized there. Went back to the bald guy. Insisted it was in their church. He goes looking for it again, this time lugging a bound book with yellowing paper. Still, my name wasn't there. He tried again. This time he found the names of my bro (1968) and my sis (1970) but not mine (1978). Whaaaaa?

Why do I not have my baptismal certificate? Well, apart from having left it in Manila... the damn thing was laminated. Whaaaa? How many people in the world have their baptismal certificate laminated? Whaaaa? So I had the gruesome experience of lugging around a wood mounted baptismal certificate to a photocopying store so I could surrender it to my Ateneo confirmation. And I had to show the mounted thing to the office of admission. Talk about embarassing! And then, I may just have to do it again in the DFA. Paksyet. Called our helper in Manila to look for it anyway. Grsh.

Jerry and I were actually kinda enjoying our day off. While we were having lunch at G-mall, we were contemplating watching a movie. But then I don't think either one of us really had the desire too. So we thought of many other things we can do to waste our day. Ended up getting guilty and decided to go back to the office.

As we were making our way out of the mall, I suggested we got to Philippine Airlines to do some inquiry. Got to the office and asked the guard if it was the same line for everyone. It was. He suggested we just call. So we decided to go back to the office again.

When we got to the city hall, I told Je, might as well go to the comelec office. Went down we did and looked for the comelec office. There it is not. We then asked this kind lady where it was. Relocated to Magsasay which was at the opposite end of the world. And if there was anything to pay, we had to get back there to pay. Ngar! Off the list.

We decided to go to jollibee to have some ice cream. Instead we were greeted by the scrumptous picture of ice craze. We both got mais con hielo. Bought additional iced tea. Iced tea spilled without me drinking a drop. Pissed. Asked the waiter if it could be refilled. He should say I should try the counter. My mood was a bit foul I didn't bother na lang. Then I decided to bother again. Cool! The manager didn't even give me any doubtful look, so I had another glass of iced tea.

Finally, we can really decided to go back to the office.

I decided to get a driver's license na lang. Called the driving school. Six months before it would be a full-fledged laminated ID.

Hay naku!

Why did I want all those IDs in the first place? Because I needed it to claim my miles from PAL. But then the funny thing is for me to get an ID, I needed two other identification cards. Nge! Kaya nga ako humihingi para magkaroon. Punyeta. Hay.

It's so funny how I do not exist after this day. (My own church would not claim me, could you believe that?! I am not catholic on record.) Anyway... written in a rush.

I actually thought of attempting to send this to Youngblood. But then, there may be partners who get to read this and abuse my love for the job. So I will share this with you, blog friends. I didn't bother editing as I am very hungry already.
*****

“Hawak, Gie,” Bubong told me as he got ready to haul the motorcycle and his two passengers up on a sixty degree slope of hillside. My left hand held tight to the seat while my right clung hard to my bush hat. While our mechanical chariot whirred hard and loud with the effort, my thoughts took off on its own landing on the question, “why am in this job again?”

I could have been rubbing elbows with Jason Mraz and tanning with the stars during the Summer Slam in Boracay if I took in that production manager job for an events management company. Or I could have stayed in advertising, working hard to come up with that big idea that will send the whole Philippines singing your jingle and Bubble Gang spoofing your commercial. Those free advanced screening tickets aren’t bad benefits either.

The wild drone of the motorcycle slowed down to a calm purr as Bubong, our motorcycle driver, made it through his third incline and onto the main highway. The river silvery from the sun’s glare snaked its way through the jade and golden mountains of Isulan. As my eyes feasted on its beauty, the question still lingered on my mind. “Why am I in this job again?”

When I left my former job, I told myself I’ll give media another try and forget about social development for a while. I ate my own words that one day an email landed on my inbox about possible employment. The document inside caught my interest. Assisi Development Foundation was looking for a Children’s Program Officer for Mindanao.

Children. Indigenous Peoples (IPs). Davao City. Education. These words pounced right at me. I’ve always wanted to work with children and IPs. I’ve always believed education is key to development. And being based in Davao will bring me home to my mom who just retired there early that year. I grabbed the opportunity, sent in my resume and called the number. A few minutes after, I had a schedule for an interview.

To make the long story short, I got the job.

One and a half years later, the job has made its mark on me. Literally. Countless peklat are all over my legs from motorcycle burns, insect bites and cogon cuts. The nails of my feet actually fell out from having to walk too much. My calves grew bigger from hiking up hills and mountains through dust, rock, mud and cow dung just to get to the community schools Assisi is sponsoring. I’ve also had pneumonia, occasional flu and constant body pain. The absence of covered rest rooms in some places makes it hard for my bladder. Unlike men, I can not just piss anywhere. In other words, this job is quite uncomfortable.

And that’s just dealing with my body. I won’t even bother to mention the various personalities I have to deal with. From the amazing to the quirky. From the easy to the complicated.

But I still love it. Sanity has never been my strongest point.

Everything becomes worth it when I see the Lumad children singing gaily in class, when they write their names down proudly, when the add numbers up correctly, when they recite the alphabet, when they forget their shyness and have a conversation with me. The aches and the tired feeling disappear when parents tell you they feel pride and hope with the improvement in their children, when the community works together to achieve a common goal of educating their children.

Bubong finally gets me back to the kumbento where I am staying. My knees are a little wobbly from the long ride but I get down from the motor like it was nothing. Finally this week is done! And another adventure will be coming up soon.

ADDENDUM TO HEART'S DESIRE

One thing I forgot to say about it is PRAY for your heart's desire. Ask for the grace of discovering it. And once you do, pray that you may achieve it. But one thing I learned too, during those moments of spiritual closeness with God, it is best to ask for something that is not entirely for yourself.

What do I mean? When I left JVP and looked for work, I prayed to find another job that would not just pay well but one that would let me grow as a person for others as well. A job that would give me a chance to be of service to Him and to others. A job that I would learn to love and be at peace with. A few months after I found Assisi, despite saying to myself that I would shun NGOs for the meantime.

I am not religious and my spritual fervor is lacking, in truth. But I believe in God, in His love strongly. I believe His desire for us is what we desire for ourselves. But that desire has to be clear and nurtured by who we are and what we value. We can not be run by our feelings alone. Though they serve as clues to what we seek, they are not the compass that leads us where we should be. What you believe in, who you are, what you want to be once everything material is stripped off... that should be your compass.

To those of us searching, and those of us who have found and continue to renew our desires... enjoy the journey. :)

HEART’S DESIRE – a reprise of an old entry in a different context

A friend texted me about how things are falling into place and leading her to have more conviction that the religious life may just be for her. Though it is still a long process before she comes to a final decision, I replied by telling her that knowing her heart’s desire, or at the very least getting to know it, is in already itself a beautiful realization.

Around three years ago, another friend was telling me about the many things she has come to realize about herself, the things she wanted, the things she wanted to achieve, the things she found good and found bad with herself. But the process before getting to that ‘eureka’ moment for her was not exactly a bed of roses. She had to deal with pain, with anger, with depression, with loneliness, with so many other unnamable experiences.

Another friend, dealt with her life by going out every night and partying hard. Until she came to a point where she got tired of escaping from the same feelings my other friend went through. She picked up her pieces, thought about what she really wanted and decided to work for that.

I have gone through a similar experience of dealing with pain, depression and loneliness through escaping by moving from one place to another. Running away from routine so as just to get a sense of thrill. My wanderlust, I knew, came to a point of being unhealthy both physically and mentally. Subconsciously, it was a way of dealing with an unclear relationship with people and a person.

Until I woke up one day, getting slapped in the face by unexpected events, suddenly recognizing the fact that I was tired from running away from myrself. Suddenly I realized, it’s time to let myself catch up with me.

I had to take time to understand what I really wanted, not what I would just settle for. Settling because of that feeling I couldn't get anything better than what is there in front of me. That day I woke up knowing the person I am deserved more than I was getting. And after that, I had a renewed sincere vigor for life. And life, so it seemed, had a renewed vigor for me.

Let it burn. I still stand by it. I even took it literally and accidentally turned my tummy to liempo (and damn shit, it was painful). Let the feeling of loneliness and depression and anger and pain burn you badly. Until it burns so bad, you’re tired of feeling that way. It burns so bad, you choose to burn for something else more beautiful, more worthy of your time.

Know what you want. What you really want. What you really desire. Don’t be stuck with what is just there in front of your face because it's the easy way. Look beyond the horizon, look beyond the stars. There is always something more out there.

Dream like the little girl or boy you were. Dream impossible, but dream true. Indeed it would hurt not reach that dream. But it is more crippling to just let yourself down before even trying to get up.

Live the life, my friends. Take time and get to know your heart’s desire. And your desire will seek out your heart.

Last day in Manila. Tomorrow, I go home back to Davao. And off to a whirlwind of field work, zooming off to here and there in the next month just so I can enjoy a full week of vacation in time for the JVP grand reunion in Boracay (yey! finally, I get to go back!).

It was a good almost two weeks here. I got to see friends I wasn't able to the last time I was here (my fault). The Bamboo concert was a great blessing as there were a lot of JVPs around.

Wala lang.

I still miss wearing jeans. The regenerating skin is so itchy. When the burnt skin turned into scabs last week, I had an idea how a molting snake felt like. I feel you, Zap (the Philippine Eagle python).

Anyway, just wanted to post something. This blog is becoming nonsensical as the days pass. Blech.

I really, really, REALLY miss wearing jeans.

The past week, I have mostly been wearing skirts because of my burn. Heavy pants would scrape against the skin. Been getting feedback how well I look and I am very much flattered. Though people hardly attribute the "blooming" me to the burn, and put the blame on Jan. Excuse me, matagal na akong blooming. Hahahah!

Anyway... I miss my old look. One more week, most likely. Then I'm back to normal and wearing skirts will be relegated to "feel ko lang" days rather than "i have no choice" days.

LAST NIGHT

Bamboo concert sponsored by JVP.
Didn't need to see Bamboo really. Seen one of their concerts, seen them all. But it was great great great seeing old JVP friends after a long, long while. Rowie and Mike present too. Fun!

TODAY

New signs to make fun of.

JUST A RANDOM ENTRY FOR A RANDOM THOUGHT

Though I still have constant entries in this blog, they are becoming less thought of and more hurried. Not because I am really busy, there are days I am not. So the time is there, but the thought isn't.

Anyway, there was a time when every little thing that happened to me was 'bloggable.' As it happened, it is archived blog entry form, complete with html. Maybe because there is so much to tell yet not enough people to share it with. And as release, I let the whole world become privy to my life. To events that would hardly matter, but since expressed and written done, it comes to life. Isolated from everything else that occured during the day, seemingly important as it is reflected upon and shared to the world.

I had an entry before based on an excerpt from Stephen King's "the Body." One part of it says something like a story is lost not because there is not one to tell it but rather it wants for a listener. I fear I may have lost my eloquence for writing down entries. But it may be for a good reason... I got someone to listen.

And that is that. Again, no point in this entry. Point delivered.