OFFICIALLY SQUARE

Had a visit to my dermatologist today. It's final, my skin irritations have worsened due to 'puyat' and stress. Which would force me then to sleep early and have minimal nocturnal activities to prevent myself from looking like a fish or a crocodile in the near future.

Grsh.

My body is in a revolution from the endless abuse it has gone through for the last seven years I have been out of college. Hay. Hay naku.

But if I'm not careful, it could get worse. Hay. Hay naku.

Those jokes about wanting to learn jewelry making and dressmaking, I'm half-serious. I'm half-serious about early retirement (even before 30!) and just do less stressful things. The idea of sticking to a schedule bugs me more and more. The idea of being forced to join a meeting because it's my job sometimes gets me exasperated. And these contributes to my skin problems.

And since I want to get rid of those skin problems, I sometimes think I should quit my job already and find something more relaxing. But hah! I have neither creative genius nor marketing skill to keep myself afloat and am built for 'slavery' of the workforce.

OA. Hay naku.

But it is something to ponder on.

In the meantime, my nightly gimmicks shall be downsized to one or two a week (which has already been the case). It will only I who will be good to my own body, right. Right!

Still... waaaaah!

UHM...

While I am here on the second floor of NCCC mall checking my mail, an endless stream of star in a million wannabes have been auditioning downstairs since I got here at 3PM. After three hours, more continue to view for that much coveted chance for stardom.

It was particularly amusing to see this dreadlocked guy dressed in formal long sleeves singing to an old Al Jarreau song. There seems to be some asynchronicity somewhere. But then, hey, I love non-conformists. So *applause* for his sheer guts to stand on that stage and belt out his song. Though I doubt he'll make it to the national level.

YESTERDAY
As previously posted, I have been fatigued this month. The whole day yesterday I was a bit cranky since I woke up too abruptly after I saw the clock say 830 AM when I was supposed to be in the seminar at 8. Rushing me at the mornings make me irritable the whole day. Plus the energy I gathered from the night's sleep would immediately ebb if I am forced to wake up in less than a minute.

By lunch time my head was floating in vile bad mood and the world was spinning from lack of sleep. Proper sleep that is. There were two gimmicks I could have chosen: broadway or beach. Beach is it. I brought the jancam with me, so I wanted to practice my amateurish photography skills.

But I guess, this month's work has sucked up what little sense of adventure I have. I had that chance for a free overnight stay at the beach. Bask in the night sky while the wind blows gently tickling my toes and the sea water lapping at the mocha-esque sands of Paradise Island. Instead I chose to be square to go home to my mother.

The desire for proper sleep and some peace and quiet overcame my usual 'lust' for the outdoors. Tsk, tsk. I have become a pathetic piece of human meat, an old foget who can't find time for fun.

But I need to be kind to myself. When it is the body that starts dictating the desires of the mind, it really really needs the rest that it cries for, right?

So TODAY,
I woke up feeling better and a little less cranky. Though I was still forced to go to work by attending a consultation with the DepEd, having an unhurried morning makes everything feel much better. :)

And when I got an invitation from the JVP local com to have an outing in Isla Reta, my whole week will be devoted to preparing for that day. Meaning, I will do well with my work and get myself ready for a real beach experience. And just to make sure I have real fun, I am wearing my two-piece again. Just to gross out the other old fogeys like me. Mwahahahaha! Oh, and I will convince my mother to go. It's open to the family, eh. She needs some good time herself, methinks.

AND OTHER GOOD NEWS
My boss just texted me this afternoon asking for help. And what help would that be? TO GO TO MANILA ASAP. Yehey!!! Finally, I will once again get a whiff of the polluted smog from that unbeloved city I so love to hate! Hahaha! But then there are too many good things in Manila for me to actually despise the city. So I am excited for that.

And I am hoping to God that I stay long enough to be at there when Gaiman comes. Which means if I am there long enough for that, then I am there for the Fete dela Musique. *cross fingers* Yey!

So... things are starting to look up. Maybe because there aren't seminars anymore and I can actually start planning things for my work. And maybe somewhere along the way teach myself to make nice handicrafts stuff for a potential future career as a non-employed person. Hahahaha! Ewan. Hayaan niyo na akong mangarap sa sandaling ito. :)

SIGH

I wonder how many times I have used this title for a blog entry.

Right now, I feel exhausted. From what I do not know. But maybe I do. Generally, I am getting seminar-weary. Both from organizing and participating in it. For the entire month of May, I have been secretariat, facilitator and participant. There were only three week days that I have not been in a training but those three days were somehow devoted into thinking about the training. In a few minutes, I will be off to another one. Again. And I lack the enthusiasm for it. And me lacking enthusiasm is not usual. Me lacking enthusiasm feels like the end of the world. Well, I am being melodramatic... but I don't like being dispassionate.

But then I am being passionate about being dispassionate. Blech. So I stand by the 2005 motto of lettings things burn.

I'm exhausted still with a lot of other things... especially with finding balance with the things around me. Balance of being a daughter, a sister, a friend, a girlfriend, a worker. There are days where I find myself not having enough time for everybody though I do so want to give. Saying 'no' makes me feel shit. Saying 'no' makes me feel square. But then saying 'no' is having to be responsible for the others I am playing a role for.

I hate the feeling of weary. Being weary feels like getting old, and getting old feels ugly. Growing up is fine, but there is a certain energy about in growing up. Getting old reminds me of brittle bones and bent backs. And I am too young to have a bent back. I wish I could laugh and sincerely feel good and enjoy whatever it is I am going through. But I am just too tired.

I miss my friends in Manila. I miss spending time with Jan. I miss my pamangkins in Cebu. I miss having my family together. Even the people I am with are spread out. Ewan. It's funny feeling angst once more. Been quite a time since I felt angst, true angst... not the kind that makes you look cool.

Or maybe the sense of weariness comes from not having any idea what to do with the coming days. May has been so full that I have not been able to play the work I have to do for June. Blech.

And at the back of my mind, I am serious about trying out jewelry making and dressmaking just because I don't want to work in an office anymore. But then for the last four years or so trying out new things has always been at the back of my mind but then... but then... I don't know.

Blech.

STAR WARS 3

BEFORE
A little over a week prior to the advanced screening in SM City, the Davao gang bought their tickets to make sure that we are among the first to watch the closure of the Star Wars saga. Discussions were mostly hoping for less icky frolicking in the fields moments between Padme and Anakin and stupid un-Jedi-esque decisions by the council like having Anakin go with Padme to Naboo. If they're supposed to be strong psychics or whatever jedi term you call it, how can the entire council not sense that match-up a wrong decision!!!

DURING
The excitement during lining up for the movie was not as high as I expected. There were more buzz for the Matrix Revolutions than here. But that could be because most of us know how the story will really go. It's really the execution we want to see.

Though I have been forewarned that Lucas was never good with lines, I still hoped that it wouldn't be so cheesy to make me gag. Unfortunately, he still does it. Argh. And stupid un-Jedi-esque decisions were still made.

I felt Anakin still lacked the motivation to switch sides sooo quickly. But you have to give it to Hayden that he does the transformation well. Not his fault the switch was too contrived.

I cringed here and there. I laughed at the weirdest moments. I had fun watching the fight scenes, especially Yoda and Palpatine. The heros Obiwan and Anakin were already expected, but Yoda always gives me a great thrill. The Jedi Massacre delivered the shock quite well, especially with the younglings. Grabe.

I left the moviehouse, a little dissatisfied but with a little satisfaction that it is over and that great moviemakers can still bungle up. But...

AFTER
I thought the whole movie over. Many of the lines I cringed at, I still believe is unforgivable. But I will still hail George Lucas a winner for an almost 30-year effort to create such a saga that will be watched for years and years to come. It wasn't easy doing it, the CGI, the story, the shoot... so despite the many blunders, George Lucas has my respect for having such vision.

Go, Star Wars! The force remains with us.

*insert death march theme*

KAPOY

The past three weeks have been a flurry of activities and people that my body could hardly cope from all the responsibilities I have to take on as an employee, as daughter, as sister, as friend and as a girlfriend. As a result, I keep hacking every now and then, coughing dryly from having an itchy throat and a closed alveoli sacs in my lungs.

Coughs are more irritating than colds, if you ask me.

Anyway, Lola was finally buried yesterday. I think everyone has finally breathed a sigh of relief even as a tinge of sadness hung in every family member, every gathering knowing that my grandmother's watchful eye and 8pm sapot (sumpong) of wantinf to go home won't be there anymore.

Got some texts hoping the interment went well. I had the gall to respond, "things were fine. Lola didn't move an inch so for sure she should be buried already." Just for a little fun. But I did cry during the funeral, seeing everyone else cry too. Especially seeing the younger boy cousins sniffing silently in their own corners. Can't help but join along.

As usual, many of us face death (as well as other challenges) with much faith, rationalizing little things just to assure ourselves that things don't happen in vain. "It is her time," "matanda na siya," and "kasama na niya si lolo Otik." These were things you'd hear during the wakes. As expected.

Sometimes I try to contemplate whether things really happen for a reason or we just reason for things happening. Does it matter if it is the other way around? Not really. I honestly think, it is best for people to think of things to have meaning because as humans we really need a purpose.

What is the point? Nothing. Lola is gone. And I pray she is happy in heaven with a husband who has been waiting for the last 17 years.

And the other point, I may have to sleep in her room to have the guests sleep in my room for the next forty days because they are scared. And maybe they have a reason to. I think Lola still visits her room after I slept in her room last night. But then as my mom says, better to have a friendly intangible guest rather than an uninvited (and unwanter) human one.

Still no point. Just want to say hi actually. I'm back and tired. Huh?

LOLA PILANG

Mornings at home would usually be greeted by the sight of my grandmother on her wheelchair, which was usually located by the kitchen counter. Hair ruffled and sometimes with crusty eyes, I’d go up to her to “mano.” There are days she’d smile, there are days she’d just nod and there are days you don’t know what’s on her mind.

I’d often wonder, how can my 92-year old grandmother find satisfaction in shifting from sitting by the sala or sleeping on her bed every day of her life? She just sits there, stares about. Sometimes in a bad mood, calling for her ‘nanny’. Sometimes in a good mood, laughing at jokes you throw at her. She especially loves it when I say, “gwapa!” And she’d say, “Ikaw pud.” And I’d go, “kita duha!.” Not too often moments of connection with my grandma.

She hardly recognizes me really. Even if we live in the same house. Since I grew up in Manila and never had the chance to visit her the 20 years I’ve been away, most of the time she won’t acknowledge me as her apo. My mom would debate with her on mornings to make her believe I’m her apo. But I’d given up on that after showing her several pictures with my mom and dad. Still, it was nice having her around, just so there was someone to kid around with occasionally. And her mood swings always made me amused. More so when friends would visit and she’s zero in on Jerry, my supposedly uyab (boyfriend). If he weren’t my uyab, he’d be a girl because he’s taas buhok.

Last May 12, she passed away, on the rare occasion that I would be home early and my mom isn’t. I actually don’t want to recall the details anymore… seeing her die right before my eyes can sometimes be too much of an emotional burden to remember. I get a lot of moments when I’d think of what I should have done that could have helped her, that could have prevented her death. But then, that didn’t happen being too reliant on contacting our doctor uncles.

I was scared of being blamed for not being alert enough. But during the funeral, nobody did. (not yet?). They were all just so surprised at the suddenness of everything. She has been always healthy despite her paralysis. Her children took comfort in knowing she didn’t suffer much unlike some old people who’d stay in the hospital for days and days before they finally lose their breath.

I try not to think about how it happened, but I keep saying sorry nonetheless. Hoping lola forgives me for being stupid. Hoping lola will find sitting in the Lord’s kingdom a happier place than our sala. Hoping that finally being reunited with Lolo Otik as a better alternative than being with her surly ‘nanny.’

I will miss lola. I loved her not the way her other apos loved her, we hardly had moments during her prime lola days. So I wouldn’t have as much stories to tell as the others. But her empty wheelchair will always be a reminder of those days she sat and stared about, contented where she was.

Rest in peace, lola Pilang.

QUICK LANG

1. No, I didn't get to buy myself a phone. Searching through google, the Ericsson J200i i was interested in still had too many kinks. Motorola c380 has a better review from users but still has some bugs. The desire to get a new one has lessened considerably. My siblings gave my mom a Nokia 1100 phone, so the dysfunctional 3310 my uncle lent her was passed on to me. So now I have a phone for my globe and a phone for my smart. The 3310 couldn't handle a call though. Pero I've never been that keen spending so much for a phone (the most I've spent is 500) since I have the tendency to be careless about (thus, having lost my phone by falling out of my bag, flushing down the toilet unknowingly and spilling from my shorts pocket) it. So it may not be a good idea to get one so expensive. Pero since I'm buying might as well get a relatively good one. Anyway, am still trying to decide whether I will really get one right now. Be patient and wait for my birthday. Be content and just keep on switching sims every now and them. We will see. thanks for the advice though.

2. Rest day today, after several days of non-stop work. Thank God. Bathed for a long time, with the works. Saraaaaaap. Scrubbed real hard. Exfoliated. Foot spa. Hot oil treatment. mmmmmm. And i rarely use cologne. Actually I dont. But sprayed myself with some Victoria's secret vanilla scent. Kulang na lang date. Except nasa manila siya. Better tell him to buy a scoop of vanilla ice cream na lang. What do you think? hhaha!

RANDOM

BABAENG WALANG PAHINGA
Since May 2, I have been working so hard. Last May4-6, Assisi sponsored an IP Congress for 250 participants. I helped out the secretariat committee, running here and there, cutting paper, helping participants with their needs... little brainless stuff I like doing. 'Twas generally blissful because I got to spent time with Jan. Seeing the faces of the priests that flirt too much when I go to area when they saw me walking holding his hands was quite worth some of the tiredness from the Congress.

The day after the IP Congress, our program conducted our IP Teachers' Advancement Program. Without proper rest or time to mentally prepare, Maya and I plodded on with our training. The tiring thing about it was I had to facilitate most of the training. Eck. The only thing I know about teaching strategies are those I learned from our past two trainings and some from the JVP school for boys and girls. Luckily, I have a gift of making up ideas as I went along explaining the techniques.

I also had to conduct the workshop on curriculum design. Uh, what the hell do I know? All I had were some steps and some examples which I should be relaying to the entire group. Ulp! But lo and behold, I seemed to have done well. Complete with my cut-outs and visual aids, the teachers ate it all up like I really knew what I was talking about.

Part of my task was to look at their output and determine what should be fixed, what should be included, etc. Nger. I did so, and acted like I knew what I was doing. Funny thing was, I seem to know what I WAS doing. And Maya was quite satisfied with what I was doing in the training. I told her, "imbento na lang ako habang nasa harap. hehehe!" to which she replied, "di naman halata."

Bow. It helps to be a theater actress at one point in my life. Mwhehehe!

PIRACY
Around two weeks ago, my old boss called me up asking me if I was interested in a job I already turned down two months ago. I told him I still wasn't interested but he channeled it through my mom that I was to meet with a certain biggie in Davao (someone quite influential and known as he was a former cabinet member) to discuss the company and its vision.

So I met up with him. But never in the course of my conversation did I think of accepting the job.

Why?
1. I honestly like my job despite being tired of having to go up the mountain most of the time and missing out on my friends and family.
2. Mining kasi. Hello! I will be selling out to our very clients right now!

My mom I think was in disbelief despite not showing it straight to my face. And so were my relatives. If I did take the job, it would probably be able to pay double my current salary. Plus I get to head some staff and plan some programs for the community. But I couldn't bring myself to even think about it (despite that being my last phrase to the biggie man). I'm too much of an environmentalist to want to be in that job. Despite the big salary. It may be stupid of me to let go of the money (though we haven't talked about the salary yet, but for them to want me that bad... I can ask for quite an amount methinks.).

I don't know if I'll kick myself in the future when I am going to need that money, but I have never been that concerned about it anyway.

Anyway, in defense of the mining company... they were making effort to make sure the community will benefit from their business. They are ready to work for all the safety nets, the environmental protection necessary (pero puwede ba iyon kung mining nga?). I even told my former boss, "It's good you are trying to get people with social conscience. At least, the people can be assured they will be taken cared of."

Imagine if they just got anyone without scruples and just want the money. Poor community!

But I just can't. Just can't. (and i can see the money fly away from me. dang.)

Lost my phone in Bora.

Been contemplating on what to buy. Ericsson or Motorola. Nokia seems to be out of the question since it is more expensive than the two. The problem with my choices, they don't seem to have infrared. Hmmm... Never thought it was so hard to buy a phone on a budget. Especially since the past four phones I had were hand-me-downs.

Want new phone though. Grsh.

Still busy.